What is Love? I ask the Owner. That, says the Owner, depends on what the Moral Dog means by Love. I shall ask some illustrative Questions, says the Owner. The Moral Dog must Answer from the Heart, says the Owner. The Moral Dog always Answers from the Heart, I say. […]
The Owner puts on the High Tensile Stretchy Bottom-Shaping Trousers. Does my Bottom look Big in These? Asks the Owner. The Moral Dog has learned Caution from the Man around Bottom Questions. All Bottoms are Relative, I say. Compared to the Bottom of a Horse, for Example, the Owner’s Bottom […]
Let us go to the Park, I say. Not now, says the Owner. Why not? I say. I am wearing my New Pink Shoes, says the Owner. Why have you got New Shoes? I ask. The House is Full of Shoes, I say. You only have so many Feet, I […]
It is Very Hot, I tell the Owner. The Moral Dog is Not Having a Lolly, says the Owner. You are precipitate, I say. I have not asked for a Lolly, I say. I was merely commenting on the Blazing Sun beneath which I am Fading Fast, I say. You […]
What is that Floating in your soup? I ask the Owner. I do not know What You Mean, says the Owner, looking shiftier than a Squirrel at a Picnic . I think you do, I say. I think it is Cheese, I say. How can you Possible know that? Asks […]
What is Happiness? I ask. There is no Easy Answer, says the Owner, because the meaning of the question itself is unclear. It seems Perfectly Clear to Me, I say. On a Scale of One to Ten where One is No Cheese and Ten is Possession of One’s Own Personal […]
The Owner and I go to buy a Coffee for the Owner and to allow the Moral Dog the opportunity to Gaze without Hope at Cakes he will Never be Given before being Tied to a Chair Leg. The Coffee Shop man greets the Owner like a long-lost friend. Hello, […]
Why are there Flowers on the Seat? I ask. It is an Anniversary, says the Owner. I did not know that Seats had Anniversaries, I say. This One Does, says the Owner. It is a Moral Seat. I did not think Seats were Moral, I say. The Seat is not […]
Hergest, says the Owner, do not Wee on the Seat. Why not? I ask. Because People Sit on it, says the Owner. We do not Wee where People Sit. But Other Dogs have Weed there before me, I say. The Fact that Other Less Moral Dogs have Desecrated the Seat […]
The Owner is putting Powder on my Other Ear. I expected more Sympathy, I say. I have no Sympathy at all, says the Owner. it was Entirely your Own Fault. I did Not Do Anything, I say. You Bounced that Dog, says the Owner. Bouncing is saying Hello in Dog, […]
Why can I not have your ebay password? I ask the Owner. Because the last time you had it you tried to order a life-sized Fur Gorilla, says the Owner. It was a genuine mistake, I say. I thought it was a real Gorilla, I say. I must acquire a […]
Hello, says the New Dog. We all rush for the Bushes. Excuse me, says the New Dog, let me into the Bushes too. I wish to Play. We cannot, we say. The Bushes are Full, we say. The Bushes are not full, says the New Dog. You are being Meanies. […]
Who is This? I ask. It is Squeaky Bird, says the Owner. Where is Squeaky Cat? I say. I am very Sorry, says the Owner. He is No More, says the Owner. You mean Squeaky Cat has gone to the Great Squeaky Cattery in the Sky? I say. Metaphorically Speaking, […]
The Amazon Man arrives carrying a Parcel. Look, Hergest, it is for you, says the Owner. Let us Carry to the Kitchen to Open It. I follow the Owner Upstairs. I note that you are Singing, I say. Yes, says the Owner. Good, I say. I was just checking, I […]
Which would you like? Asks the Owner. In her right hand is My Lolly, oozing Mango and just beginning to Drip. In her left hand is Squeaky Cat, my Inestimably Faithful Companion, wearing a Beguiling Expression inviting Play. Or at least Most of Him, as one of his Arms spontaneously […]
Hergest, a Hound's Philosophy 