Ouchouchouch, I say. Excuse Me, says the Owner of a Poodle, We Are Next. We Wish to Discuss the Removal of Parts. Speak for Yourself, says the Poodle. This is an Emergency. He Ran Through a Bush, says the Owner. Oh Dear, says the Vet. He has a Scratched Eye, […]
The Moral Dog smells Disgusting, says the Owner. Thank you, I say. It was not a Compliment, says the Owner. It is in Dog, I say. The Moral Dog Thrills to his Very Tail at being called Disgusting, I say. It represents the Pinnacle of his Morning’s Achievement, I say. […]
The Owner and I are setting out on our Morning Walk when the Owner produces a Thing from her Pocket. What is That? I ask the Owner. You Do Not Want to Know, says the Owner. Au Contraire, I say, for the Moral Dog is Wise in Matters of Language. […]
I am Wearing a Lampshade. It is for your Own Good, says the Owner. I think I am the Best Judge of That, I say. I can See it is a Little Embarrassing, says the Owner. A little? I say. The Other Dogs will Laugh so Hard they will Roll […]
I am a Friendly Dog, I say. There is a difference, says the Owner, between being a Friendly Dog and being Anybody’s for a Biscuit. The Moral Dog is not Anybody’s for a Biscuit, I say. The Moral Dog is as Discerning as he is Moral. The Moral Dog attempted […]
Is there Something Wrong with my Fridge? I ask. You do not have a Fridge, says the Owner. When we Ordered It you said I would have a Fridge, I say. I said we would have a Fridge, says the Owner. One does not need to be Quite So Specific […]
Stop it, says the Owner. I am trying to Eat my Cheese. Stop what? I say. Fixing your Woeful Eyes on my Cheese, says the Owner. And Drooling, says the Owner. They are my Only Eyes, I say. If we had Spare Eyes then your words might make more sense, […]
The Moral Dog has not Gone to Daycare Today. Outside the Wind is Howling and has little Bits of Ice in it, and the Moral Dogs’ Tomato-Coloured Coat that makes him look like a Pillock is Discarded in the Garage. The Moral Dog plans to Deal With It Later. Now, […]
Happy New Year, says the Owner. What is New About It? I ask. It is 2021, says the Owner. We have said Goodbye to 2020. I am not ready to say Goodbye to it, I say. I always Knew you would Deceive Me in the End, I say. You have […]
I have a Box for you, says the Postman. It is from Spain, says the Postman. I will take it from you, says the Owner. I do not think that you will, says the Postman, heaving the box over the doorstep with the aid of two Other Postmen and a […]
In the Distance there are sounds of Recriminations. We are Going Home, says the Owner. We are always Going Home once we have Come Out, I say Wisely, as I know how much the Owner Appreciates a Wise Dog. Do not Try your Slippery Eel Philosophy with me, says the […]
The Moral Dog feels compelled to return to the Page by the Oddness of his Owner, who is Apparently Too Busy to Go For a Walk. You Cannot be Too Busy, I say. You are Just Sitting There looking at that Plastic Thing, I say. I am Not Just Sitting […]
Where does the Sun Go? I ask the Owner. It does not Go Anywhere, says the Owner. The Earth Turns Round and the Sun is Behind Us. You mean Underneath Us, I say, where the Elephants and the Turtle are, I say. The Moral Dog has been reading Terry Pratchett […]
I am Lying on the Floor Next to the Owner as she Exercises. I sigh. What? Asks the Owner. And that was Dog Breath, says the Owner. What will you come back as? I ask the Owner. And that is because I am a Dog, I say. I have not […]
I do not think it is Reasonable, I say, that a Moral Dog should be on a Lead in the Coffee Shop, I say. It is perfectly Reasonable, says the Owner. Yesterday the Moral Dog Engaged in a Possessive Fashion with the Croissant of the Lady with the Blue Trousers. […]