Stop it, says the Owner. I am trying to Eat my Cheese.
Stop what? I say.
Fixing those Eyes on my Cheese, says the Owner. And Drooling, says the Owner.
They are my Only Eyes, I say. If we had Spare Eyes then your words might make more sense, I say, Although we would be living in a Horrible Dystopian Reality in which Owners Changed their Dog’s Eyes on a Whim, I say, Although Knowing You, You would probably have a Pale Blue Set, I say. To match your Frock, I say.
I do not have a Pale Blue Frock, says the Owner.
You have at least Six Pale Blue Frocks in Virtual Shopping Baskets, I say. I expect you would have gone through Checkout Already if your Dog had Matching Eyes, I say. I suppose I can shortly Expect a trip to the Vet, I say. Will any other Parts be Rearranged to suit your Aspirational Wardrobe? I say. Perhaps a Sparkly Nose, I say. Or a set of Tweed Feet, I say.
The Moral Dog is Being Ridiculous, says the Owner. I merely suggested He was Gazing at my Supper with an Expression of Covetousness, says the Owner. And Drooling, I say.
My Eyes have to point somewhere, I say.
I grant you that, says the Owner. But You do not have to Drool, says the Owner.
What is wrong with Drooling? I ask. It is what Dogs Do, I say. Asking me to Stop Drooling is like me asking you to stop Shouting at the Prime Minister when he is on the Radio and Cannot Hear You, I say.
That is true, says the Owner, but that is not Undignified, says the Owner. Given the Extreme Circumstances of having a Prime Minister who is an Objectionably Amoral Twerp, says the Owner, if the Moral Dog were to Drool on the Prime Minister that would be Equally Satisfactory, says the Owner. Please Feel Free, says the Owner.
I certainly will not, I say. Dogs do not think Drooling is Undignified, I say. Drooling is what Dogs Do, I say. Drooling is a Gift, I say. I would not Drool on the Prime Minister if he had a Kilogram of Isle of Mull Cheddar, I say. That is Why I have given my Drool so Generously to my Beloved Owner, I say. And her Cheese, I say.
I just do not Want It, says the Owner.
It is fortunate that the Moral Dog can Rise Above such Rejection, I say. Understanding that Humans and Dogs Conceive of Dignity in an Entirely Different Manner, I say. As Exemplified by the Fact that The Dog Groomer has turned Caspar into Topiary, I say. Houdini laughed so much he rolled in front of the Dog Van and got caught and Taken to the Dog Pound, I say. This can the Moral Dog Rationalise the Rejection of his Drool by the Owner he Adores, I say. I will Bear it Nobly, I say. I will Go Diminished into the West, I say, Comforted by the fact that I was True, Throughout, to the Canine Virtues, I say. Faithfulness, Adoration, and Drool, I say.
No, says the Owner, You are Right, says the Owner. The Moral Dog makes a Valid Point, says the Owner. We have to Recognise each Other’s perspectives says the Owner. You Drool in a Dignified Fashion over there and I will eat my Cheese in a Dignified Fashion Over Here says the Owner. That way we can Appreciate One Another from our own Dignified Perspectives, says the Owner. Even the Drool, says the Owner. Thankyou, says the Owner.
Very Well, I say. I am particularly glad you Appreciate my Gift of Drool, I say. That is a relief, I say.
Why, asks the Owner?
I May Have Drooled on your Cheese, I say.
That is Gross, says the Owner.
Of course the Moral Dog is Deeply Hurt. Although only after has finished the Cheese.
Hergest the Hound
I am a dog of many thoughts.