Stop it, says the Owner. I am trying to Eat my Cheese.

Stop what? I say.

Fixing your Woeful Eyes on my Cheese, says the Owner. And Drooling, says the Owner.

They are my Only Eyes, I say. If we had Spare Eyes then your words might make more sense, I say, Although we would be living in a Horrible Dystopian Reality in which Owners Changed their Dog’s Eyes on a Whim, I say, Although Knowing You, You would probably have a Pale Blue Set, I say. To match your Frock, I say.

I do not have a Pale Blue Frock, says the Owner.

You have at least Six Pale Blue Frocks in Virtual Shopping Baskets, I say. I expect you would have gone through Checkout Already if your Dog had Matching Eyes, I say. I suppose I can shortly Expect a trip to the Vet, I say. Will any other Parts be Rearranged to suit your Aspirational Wardrobe? I say. Perhaps a Sparkly Nose, I say. Or a set of Tweed Feet, I say.

The Moral Dog is Being Ridiculous, says the Owner. I merely suggested He was Gazing at my Supper with an Expression of Covetousness, says the Owner. And Drooling Excessively, says the Owner.

My Eyes have to point somewhere, I say.

I grant you that, says the Owner. But You do not have to Drool, says the Owner.

What is wrong with Drooling Excessively? I ask. It is what Dogs Do, I say. Asking me to Stop Drooling Excessively is like me asking you to stop Shouting at the Prime Minister when he is on the Radio and Cannot Hear You, I say.

That is true, says the Owner, but shouting at the Prime Minister is not Undignified, says the Owner. It is my Right to Protest, says the Owner. Given the Extreme Circumstances of having a Prime Minister who is an Amoral Twerp, says the Owner. If the Moral Dog were to Drool Excessively on the Prime Minister I might take a Different View of the Drool, says the Owner. Please Feel Free, says the Owner.

I certainly will not, I say. Dogs do not think Drooling Excessively is Undignified, I say. Drooling is a Gift, I say. I would not Drool Excessively on the Prime Minister if he had a Kilogram of Isle of Mull Cheddar, I say. I have given my Drool so Generously to my Beloved Owner because I love her, I say. And her Cheese, I say.

I also love the Moral Dog, says the Owner, but I do not Love the Drool.

It is fortunate that the Moral Dog can Rise Above such Rejection, I say. Understanding that Humans and Dogs Conceive of Dignity in an Entirely Different Manner, I say. As Exemplified by the Fact that The Dog Groomer has turned Caspar into Topiary, I say. Houdini laughed so much he rolled in front of the Dog Van and got caught and Taken to the Dog Pound, I say. Thus can the Moral Dog Rationalise the Rejection of his Drool by the Owner he Adores, I say. I will Bear it Nobly, I say. True, Throughout, to the Canine Virtues, I say. Faithfulness, Adoration, and Drool, I say.

The Moral Dog makes a Valid Point, says the Owner. We have to Recognise each Other’s Perspectives. You Drool in a Dignified Fashion over there and I will eat my Cheese in a Dignified Fashion Over Here says the Owner. Thankyou for your Consideration, says the Owner.

Very Well, I say. I am particularly glad you Appreciate my Gift of Drool, I say. Given that you are about to eat That Cheese, I say.

Why do you say that? asks the Owner.

I May Have Slightly Drooled on it, I say.

Yergh, says the Owner.

The Moral Dog is Deeply Hurt at the Owner’s Rejection of the Cheese. However he bears it Nobly, as Moral Dogs do. This is because he Adores the Owner. It is Totally Not because he is too busy eating the Cheese.

Categories: dignity dog dog philosophy

Hergest the Hound

I am a dog of many thoughts.