Ouchouchouch, I say. Excuse Me, says the Owner of a Poodle, We Are Next. We Wish to Discuss the Removal of Parts. Speak for Yourself, says the Poodle. This is an Emergency. He Ran Through a Bush, says the Owner. Oh Dear, says the Vet. He has a Scratched Eye, […]
Stop it, says the Owner. I am trying to Eat my Cheese. Stop what? I say. Fixing your Woeful Eyes on my Cheese, says the Owner. And Drooling, says the Owner. They are my Only Eyes, I say. If we had Spare Eyes then your words might make more sense, […]
The Moral Dog has not Gone to Daycare Today. Outside the Wind is Howling and has little Bits of Ice in it, and the Moral Dogs’ Tomato-Coloured Coat that makes him look like a Pillock is Discarded in the Garage. The Moral Dog plans to Deal With It Later. Now, […]
Happy New Year, says the Owner. What is New About It? I ask. It is 2021, says the Owner. We have said Goodbye to 2020. I am not ready to say Goodbye to it, I say. I always Knew you would Deceive Me in the End, I say. You have […]
I have a Box for you, says the Postman. It is from Spain, says the Postman. I will take it from you, says the Owner. I do not think that you will, says the Postman, heaving the box over the doorstep with the aid of two Other Postmen and a […]
In the Distance there are sounds of Recriminations. We are Going Home, says the Owner. We are always Going Home once we have Come Out, I say Wisely, as I know how much the Owner Appreciates a Wise Dog. Do not Try your Slippery Eel Philosophy with me, says the […]
The Moral Dog feels compelled to return to the Page by the Oddness of his Owner, who is Apparently Too Busy to Go For a Walk. You Cannot be Too Busy, I say. You are Just Sitting There looking at that Plastic Thing, I say. I am Not Just Sitting […]
I am Lying on the Floor Next to the Owner as she Exercises. I sigh. What? Asks the Owner. And that was Dog Breath, says the Owner. What will you come back as? I ask the Owner. And that is because I am a Dog, I say. I have not […]
I do not think it is Reasonable, I say, that a Moral Dog should be on a Lead in the Coffee Shop, I say. It is perfectly Reasonable, says the Owner. Yesterday the Moral Dog Engaged in a Possessive Fashion with the Croissant of the Lady with the Blue Trousers. […]
The Owner and the Moral Dog meet the Lady with the Chihuahua in the Park. Hello, says the Lady. Hello, says the Owner. Ese hijo de hámster me orinó, says the Chihuahua. What if I did? I say. Those that Live by the Sword, die by the Sword, I say. […]
What is the Matter? asks the Owner, appearing in the Kitchen. I am scared, I say. How do you know? Asks the Owner, Blearily. My Heart is Beating fast, I say, I have Butterflies in my Stomach and I Cannot Sleep. Why? Says the Owner. I am Anticipating my Imminent […]
Today is the Birthday of the Man. I deliver my Birthday Present, Even Before he Wakes. Hurrah, I say, adding an Enthusiastic Hello. That Dog has Covered Me in Ectoplasm, says the Man, disappearing into the Shower. It is his Birthday Slobber, I tell the Owner. I do not Slobber […]
There is a New Dog with a Bushy Tail in the Park. We find it attempting to Save the Day by rescuing a Small Human from its Unwanted Sandwich. Caspar and I explain that we are Superdog and his Trusty and Morally Equal Sidekick, Fluffy (or, as Caspar puts it, […]
What are you Doing? Asks the Owner. I am Singing, I say. Please Stop, says the Owner. Was I not In Tune? I say. No, says the Owner. That is why I need to Practise, I say. It is 3am, says the Owner. When the Melody takes you, I say, […]
This is Terrible, says the Owner. We must Write a Letter to support Mubarak Bala. Why must we Do That? I ask. He is the President of the Nigerian Humanist Association. Says the Owner. He was arrested for Blasphemy in April, says the Owner. He was transferred to the Islamic […]