Hergest, says the Owner, do not Wee on the Seat.

Why not? I ask.

Because People Sit on it, says the Owner. We do not Wee where People Sit.

But Other Dogs have Weed there before me, I say.

The Fact that Other Less Moral Dogs have Desecrated the Seat does not oblige the Moral Dog to do the Same, says the Owner.

It is a Positive Feast of Moral Dog Wee, I say. At least one of them was a Seriously Friendly Lady Dog, I say, and I think several of them had eaten Fox Poo. Why have you got up?

I no longer want to read my book on this Seat, says the Owner, you have Spoiled it.

We walk on through the Park.

Hergest, says the Owner, do not Wee on those Flowers.

Why not? I ask.

Because they are the Lovely White Ones, says the Owner. We do not Wee on the Lovely White Ones.

I am a Dog, I say, I see only lovely Smells not Lovely White Ones. The Wee enhances them considerably. That one you are Sniffing now is particularly Weed On. It is positively Ripe.

Oh, says the Owner.

I can find you an even Smellier One if you do not want to Smell That One any more, I say.

No thank you, says the Owner.

We walk on through the Park.

Hergest, says the Owner, do not Wee on the Chihuahua. It will now need to be Washed.

It is Traditional amongst Moral Dogs to Wee on Chihuahuas. I say.

Tu eres más feo que el culo de un mono, says the Chihuahua.

What did it say? Asks the Owner.

It was commenting on the Moral Dog’s skill, I say.

That may be true, says the Owner, but Tradition does not Justify Anything. It will now have to be Thoroughly Hosed.

That is Excellent News, I say.

Tienes la Cara Como una Nevera Por Detrás, says the Chihuahua.

It says it is Looking forward to a Shower as on a Day like This one Needs Refreshing, I say.

The Lady who owns the Chihuahua Does Not Think So, says the Owner, putting me on the Lead.

I do not see what I have Done Wrong, I say.

As a Moral Dog who has just begun to Lift his Leg you must now learn to be Exemplary in your Weeing, says the Owner. It is one of the Basic Rules of Being Moral. Even Superdog would obey such rules.

For a Moment I fear that she may have guessed my Secret, but she says no more, and we go home.

Where do Moral Owners Wee? I ask as we go upstairs.

I will Show You, says the Owner. I follow the Owner into the Bathroom where she shows me a White Scented Seat which apparently requires Showering After Use. There, she says.

Irony appears completely lost on the Owner.

Categories: dignity dog dog philosophy

Hergest the Hound

I am a dog of many thoughts.