The Owner puts on the High Tensile Stretchy Bottom-Shaping Trousers. Does my Bottom look Big in These? Asks the Owner.
The Moral Dog has learned Caution from the Man around Bottom Questions. All Bottoms are Relative, I say. Compared to the Bottom of a Horse, for Example, the Owner’s Bottom looks Extremely Small, I say. Compared to the Bottom of a Chicken, on the Other Hand, it is a three Chicken Bottom, I say. Possibly Two if they were Buff Orpingtons, I say. And compared to the Bottom of a Lobster, well, it would be Very Difficult to Compare, I say. Given that I am not sure which part of a Lobster is, in fact, its Bottom, I say.
I meant, says the Owner, Compared to the Bottom of a Person.
It is the Bottom of a Person, I say. Unsurprisingly, therefore, when Compared to the Bottom of a Person it is Unremarkable, I say. Indeed it seems to be Exactly the Size and Shape of the Bottom of a Person, I say. The Owner may Rest Assured that, were she to head into the Farmyard right now, not a Single Farmer would Mistake her for a Chicken, I say. Not even a Buff Orpington, I say, as it is Important to be Clear on Bottoms.
The Owner Snaps the High Tensile Stretchy Bottom-Shaping Trousers Fully into Place. I shall rephrase the Question, she says. Now that I have managed to Insert Myself into the High Tensile Stretchy Bottom-Shaping Trousers she says, does the Bottom look Bigger or Smaller than it did Before? She says.
I Observe the Bottom from Several Angles. Actually, I say, it does Appear Slightly Smaller. I assume that is because the High Tensile Stretchy Bottom-Shaping Trousers have Redistributed the Bottom, I say. Possibly it has moved into the Spleen, I say. Perhaps even Tighter High Tensile Stretchy Bottom-Shaping Trousers could shift it all the way into the Wrinkles, I say. That would Kill Two Birds with One Stone, I say. After all, I say, it is not as if the Bottom could simply Disappear, I say. Matter is always conserved, I say.
I knew it, says the Owner. The Moral Dog is Clearly Suggesting the Bottom is Too Big without the Trousers, says the Owner. I can Never take the Trousers Off Again, says the Owner. I will spend the Rest of my Life with Part of my Bottom in my Spleen, says the Owner.
That is Not True, I say. The Owner is presupposing that the Moral Dog meant that the Bottom was Too Big before, I say. A Bottom can only be Too Big if there is some Objective Reference Point from which to Judge it as Wanting, I say. If, for example, I say, there was a general Philosophical and Bottom-Based Norm that Established the Bottom of the Prime Minister as the Reference Point for all Bottoms then the Owner’s Bottom would have merely Gone from Small to Smaller.
It is Well-Established, says the Owner, that the Prime Minister can do One Press-Up and Claims to be as Fit only as a Butcher’s Dog, an Animal that You and I have Agreed is likely to have Consumed Far Too Many Sausages and to be as Lardy as a Lump of Lard. In a Long List of Aspirational Bottoms, that of the Prime Minister would not make the Top Ten.
I did not realise, I say, that you were speaking of an Aspirational Bottom, I say. Moral Dogs do not have Aspirational Bottoms, I say. Although I do have an Aspirational Tail, I say.
What is the Aspirational Tail of the Moral Dog like? Asks the Owner.
It Lights Up when the Moral Dog wishes to Battle Darth Vader, I say.
Then the Moral Dog will understand that All Owners have both a Real Bottom and an Aspirational Bottom, says the Owner.
This adds an Extra Layer of Moral Complexity to the original Bottom Question, I say. The Owner is now Expecting the Moral Dog to judge Two Bottoms, one Real and one Aspirational, to determine the Nature and Breadth of the Chasm of Bottom Dissatisfaction that lies Between Them, I say.
Exactly, says the Owner. Although, says the Owner, I was hoping we might be Talking in Terms of Chinks rather than Chasms, says the Owner, in a Blatant Attempt to Influence the Jury. So, says the Owner, I return the Moral Dog to the Original Question. Does the Real Bottom of the Owner look Bigger than her Aspirational Bottom in the High Tension Elasticated Bottom-Redistributing Trousers.
The Moral Dog Understands that the Owner would like the Moral Dog to say that the Real and the Aspirational Bottoms are Exactly the Same Size. Indeed they do seem to be Exactly the Same Size, I say. How Fortuitous is that? I say.
That is Wonderful, says the Owner. The Moral Dog has been More than Helpful, says the Owner.
Although, I say.
Yes, says the Owner.
It seems to the Moral Dog, I say, that if you were to Put Away One of the Bottoms, I say, and only wear One at a Time, I say, it would almost certainly not look Twice the Size that you would Like it To.
Thankyou for Nothing, says the Owner.
You are Welcome, I say.
Hergest the Hound
I am a dog of many thoughts.