The Moral Dog has a Guilty Face, says the Owner.
How do you know? I ask.
Because I am looking at it, says the Owner, and it has Guilt written all over it.
If it has Guilt written all over it, I say, then you have Written it there.
I was speaking Metaphorically, says the Owner.
So was I, I say. You are Anthropomorphising your Moral Dog.
Is the Moral Dog suggesting that his Slippery Eelish expression does not Indicate Guilt? Asks the Owner.
If the Moral Dog happens to look a little Slippery Eelish this morning, I say, that does not mean he is Guilty. It means his Owner is being Slippery Eelist, I say. This is Offensive not only to Moral Dogs, but also to Slippery Eels everywhere, who have Long been Oppressed, I say. The Fact that the Normal, Innocent Expression of a Slippery Eel happens to resemble that of a Guilty Human is hardly the Moral Dog’s fault, I say.
Why on earth would the Moral Dog want to look like a Slippery Eel if he were not Guilty? Asks the Owner.
It is well known that, in the Distant past, Moral Dogs were descended from Slippery Eels, I say. I have been reading Charles Darwin, I say. The Adoption of an occasional Slippery Eelish expression can indicate Solidarity with our Slippery Eely Forebears in the Face of the kind of Constant Suspicion to which we are Both Subject. We all crawled out of the Primeval Swamp together, I say.
Some of us seem to spend most of our time Jumping back Into It, says the Owner.
What was that you said? I say.
Nothing, says the Owner.
Because I thought for a moment that you were being Doggist, I say. An Owner properly attuned to Equality and Diversity would not criticise her Moral Dog for behaviour that is Normal for Dogs, I say. Any more than a Moral Dog would criticise his Owner for repeatedly jumping into the Shower and coming out smelling Appallingly like a Bunch of Roses, I say. Or a Slippery Eel for being Slippery and Eelish. Although clearly a Slippery Eel who stole the Cheese from the Fridge would be a Different Matter.
Nevertheless, says the Owner, there is a Face the Moral Dog pulls when he is Guilty and the Moral Dog is Wearing it.
Evidence shows that the Face to which you are referring bears no relationship at all to Guilt, I say. It is Simply the Normal Response of the Moral Dog wishing to show Solidarity with Slippery Eels to the Owner’s Voice of Suspicion, I say.
So, says the Owner, the Moral Dog is saying that his current Slippery Eel expression represents not his Guilt but Solidarity with the many Slippery Eels who have been so Unfairly Accused in the Past that a Guilty Expression comes naturally to them.
Exactly, I say.
And the Slippery Eel expression of the Moral Dog, says the Owner, is in no way related to the Open Fridge and the Significant Stash of Cheese which someone has Secreted under his Cushion.
Absolutely not, I say.
So who do you suppose could have put it there? Asks the Owner.
It was probably a Slippery Eel, I say. They Cannot be Trusted.
Argh, says the Owner.
I think she bought it.
Hergest the Hound
I am a dog of many thoughts.