Ouchouchouch, I say. Excuse Me, says the Owner of a Poodle, We Are Next. We Wish to Discuss the Removal of Parts. Speak for Yourself, says the Poodle. This is an Emergency. He Ran Through a Bush, says the Owner. Oh Dear, says the Vet. He has a Scratched Eye, […]
I have a Box for you, says the Postman. It is from Spain, says the Postman. I will take it from you, says the Owner. I do not think that you will, says the Postman, heaving the box over the doorstep with the aid of two Other Postmen and a […]
The Owner is looking at herself in the Mirror. Can you Hurry Up, I say, I am waiting for my Walk. It is in order to prepare for your Walk that I am looking in the Mirror, says the Owner. I am Checking that my Face is Presentable, says the […]
What is that Floating in your soup? I ask the Owner. I do not know What You Mean, says the Owner, looking shiftier than a Squirrel at a Picnic . I think you do, I say. I think it is Cheese, I say. How can you Possible know that? Asks […]
The Moral Dog has a Guilty Face, says the Owner. How do you know? I ask. Because I am looking at it, says the Owner, and it has Guilt written all over it. If it has Guilt written all over it, I say, then you have Written it there. I […]
What is that? I ask the Owner. It is a Humane Mousetrap, says the Owner. What are you doing with My Cheese? I ask the Owner. I am offering it to the Mouse, says the Owner, in exchange for his entering the Humane Mousetrap. Why do you want the Mouse […]
Come here Hergest, says the Owner, I have something for you. I rush to her Side. I am a Moral Dog. This is what Moral Dogs do. The Pavlovian Conditioning which the Owner once employed, in those Sunny Cheese-filled days of memory, may have once had something to do with […]
We seem not to have any Cheese, says the Man. That is odd, says the Owner, there was plenty of Cheese earlier. The Man looks at me. Was it That Dog? He asks. It seems to me that he is wearing a Nefarious Face. I am not wearing a Nefarious […]
I would like to talk, I say. I am not going to talk about cheese any more, says the Owner. The subject is closed. Let us talk about Something Else. I do not always talk about cheese, I say. Yes, you do, says the Owner. Always. It lies at the […]
The Owner says that I Cannot Ever have Cheese Again. But I Like Cheese, I say, and I Deserve Cheese. All Principles of Justice suggest that I should have Cheese. Not All Principles, sats the Owner. It is Unjust to deprive me of my One Pleasure, I say. The Moral […]
Caspar arrives in a great tizz. Come quickly, he says. The Moon is being stolen. We rush to the window and look outside. The Moon is indeed being Stolen. There is only a Small Piece Left. It cannot have Gone Far, I say. This is what the Owner likes to […]
What is the Triumph of Hope over Experience? I ask the Owner. It is what the Moral Dog feels whilst I eat my breakfast, says the Owner. It is Days since you have given me Cheese, I say. Exactly, says the Owner, the Moral Dog has proved Allergic. Does this […]
Hergest, says the Owner, why are you Lurking under the Table? I am not Lurking, I say, Lurking is a behaviour usually associated with Ducks. What would you Call It then? Asks the Owner. I am merely On Duty Under the Table, I say. It looks like Lurking, says the […]
The Owner is checking her Bank Account. What is a Bank Account, I ask. It is where you save your Money, says the Owner, for when The Prime Minister needs it. Why should the Prime Minister have it? I ask. It is a Social Responsibility, she says, in Order that […]
Oh look, the Owner says, the New Scissors have arrived and so I am going to do the Christmas Wrapping. Where are the Old Scissors? I ask. It is the First Rule of Christmas Time, says the Owner, that the Old Scissors always disappear when it is Christmas Time. One […]