We seem not to have any Cheese, says the Man.

That is odd, says the Owner, there was plenty of Cheese earlier.

The Man looks at me. Was it That Dog? He asks. It seems to me that he is wearing a Nefarious Face.

I am not wearing a Nefarious Face, I say. This is my Normal Face. It is not my fault if my features are Arranged in a Nefarious Manner. I am Innocent, I say, until Proven Guilty, I say. Hypothetically, I say.

Hergest, says the Owner, did you get into the Fridge and steal the Cheese?

Of course I did not get into the Fridge, I say. It must be patently obvious that the Moral Dog could not possibly fit in a Fridge of that Kind.

The Fridge is taller than the Moral Dog, says the Owner, and also wider than the Moral Dog. I am quite sure that, if he really tried, the Moral Dog could get into the Fridge and steal the Cheese.

Speaking Hypothetically, I say, of Moral Dogs as a Genre, I say, I have to fault your logic, since it assumes a Hypothetical Empty Fridge. Whilst it is possible that a Hypothetical Moral Dog could fit into such a Hypothetical Empty Fridge, once he was in such a Hypothetical Empty Fridge he would find only Hypothetical Cheese. This is because, if there were Actual Cheese in the Hypothetical Empty Fridge then it would not be Actually Empty. The Theft of Hypothetical Cheese would seem, I suggest, a Singularly Pointless Act even for the Hungriest and most Cheese-deprived of Hypothetical Moral Dogs.

It appears, says the Owner, that the Moral Dog is being a Wriggly Hypothetical Eel, as he has not answered the Actual Question regarding whether he has put his Actual Self in the Actual Fridge and stolen the Actual Cheese. Instead he has answered a Hypothetical Question regarding whether he could have put his Hypothetical Self in a Hypothetical Fridge to steal Hypothetical Cheese, and has then answered by Suggesting not that he could not Do So, but that he would not Want To.

Speaking Hypothetically, I say, seems to cover all the situations regarding which you require, since it suggests that no Moral Dogs could possibly have contemplated Stealing the Cheese in the Hypothetical Circumstances you imagine.

The Circumstances I imagine are not Hypothetical at all, says the Owner, particularly given the Current Hypothetical Nature of the Former Cheese.. The circumstance I imagine are that the Moral Dog Actually put his Actual Self into the Actual Fridge to Steal the Actual Cheese, rendering the Cheese Hypothetical and putting the Moral Dog, given his Actual Cheese Intolerance, at Significant Risk of Actual Flatulence.

The Moral Dog cannot fit into the Actual Fridge, I say, since even without Actual Cheese it is too full of Butter and Milk and Wine and those lovely Chocolates with the Cherries in the Middle to Accommodate his Many Growing Parts. Even if the Moral Dog bent his knees, put his paws amongst the Mangoes and ducked his head into the Barely Adequate Area between the Yogurt and the Olives, then Contorted his Middle in order to Stash his Moral Hindquarters in the salad crisper on top of the lettuce and those Funny Peppers with the Twisty Ends, there is really no room for the Moral Dog’s tail in the Meagre Space that Remains.

It seems to me, says the Owner, that the Moral Dog knows far more about the contents of the Fridge that would be possible for any Moral Dog (and I use the word Moral somewhat Hypothetically) who has not attempted to Enter it in Pursuit of Cheese.

I think you may be Speaking Hypothetically, I say, as to Speak Actually would require Solid Evidence.

Well, says the Owner, there are Actual Dog Hairs in the lettuce and an Actual Footprint in the Hummus.

Those could have been left by any Moral Dog, I say, Hypothetically, I say.

It is an Actual shame for the Moral Dog, given that he was Mounting such a Robust Legal Defence, that the Ghastly Pong chooses that Moment to Appear.

It seems that it is not just a Hypothetical but an Actual Fair Cop.

Categories: cheese dignity dog dog philosophy

Hergest the Hound

I am a dog of many thoughts.