The Owner and I go to buy a Coffee for the Owner and to allow the Moral Dog the opportunity to Gaze without Hope at Cakes he will Never be Given before being Tied to a Chair Leg. The Coffee Shop man greets the Owner like a long-lost friend. Hello, […]
Why are there Flowers on the Seat? I ask. It is an Anniversary, says the Owner. I did not know that Seats had Anniversaries, I say. This One Does, says the Owner. It is a Moral Seat. I did not think Seats were Moral, I say. The Seat is not […]
Hergest, says the Owner, do not Wee on the Seat. Why not? I ask. Because People Sit on it, says the Owner. We do not Wee where People Sit. But Other Dogs have Weed there before me, I say. The Fact that Other Less Moral Dogs have Desecrated the Seat […]
The Owner is putting Powder on my Other Ear. I expected more Sympathy, I say. I have no Sympathy at all, says the Owner. it was Entirely your Own Fault. I did Not Do Anything, I say. You Bounced that Dog, says the Owner. Bouncing is saying Hello in Dog, […]
Why can I not have your ebay password? I ask the Owner. Because the last time you had it you tried to order a life-sized Fur Gorilla, says the Owner. It was a genuine mistake, I say. I thought it was a real Gorilla, I say. I must acquire a […]
Hello, says the New Dog. We all rush for the Bushes. Excuse me, says the New Dog, let me into the Bushes too. I wish to Play. We cannot, we say. The Bushes are Full, we say. The Bushes are not full, says the New Dog. You are being Meanies. […]
Who is This? I ask. It is Squeaky Bird, says the Owner. Where is Squeaky Cat? I say. I am very Sorry, says the Owner. He is No More, says the Owner. You mean Squeaky Cat has gone to the Great Squeaky Cattery in the Sky? I say. Metaphorically Speaking, […]
The Amazon Man arrives carrying a Parcel. Look, Hergest, it is for you, says the Owner. Let us Carry to the Kitchen to Open It. I follow the Owner Upstairs. I note that you are Singing, I say. Yes, says the Owner. Good, I say. I was just checking, I […]
Which would you like? Asks the Owner. In her right hand is My Lolly, oozing Mango and just beginning to Drip. In her left hand is Squeaky Cat, my Inestimably Faithful Companion, wearing a Beguiling Expression inviting Play. Or at least Most of Him, as one of his Arms spontaneously […]
The Moral Dog is lying on his Cushion, feeling Oppressed. What is Wrong? Asks the Owner. Rousseau said the Moral Dog is Born free, and Everywhere he is in Chains, I say. I am Oppressed, I say. Who is Oppressing the Moral Dog? Asks the Owner. I am Oppressed by […]
I do not understand why I only have Four Legs, I tell the Owner. It is because you are a Dog, says the Owner. That is like saying that the Owner has only Two Legs because she is a Person, I say. A simple Factual Correlation between Dogness and Leg […]
The Other Dog Bit my Ear and I am Wounded. Blood pours from me in a Steady Stream and I am Fading Fast. Excuse me, I say to the Owner. I am Fading Fast. The Owner says I must be Quiet as she is on Zoom with the Vet. I […]
Am I Free? I ask the Owner. You are Very Expensive, says the Owner. Owing to your insistence on Isle of Mull Extra Mature Cheddar Hand Made to the Sound of Bagpipes by Seventeenth Generation Islanders wearing their Great Grandfather’s Home Woven Tartan. Hahaha, I say, I do not mean […]
The Newspaper says that the Prime Minister says he is as Fit as a Butcher’s Dog, I say. Indeed, says the Owner, perhaps he is. If a Butcher has a Dog, I say, One might imagine it might be quite Lardy. It depends which Butcher you are referring to, says […]
Why are we not going for our Walk? I ask. Because I wish to finish Reading my book of Dog Psychology, says the Owner. I am learning about the Five Stages of Grief, says the Owner. What are the Five Stages of Grief? I ask. They are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, […]
Hergest, a Hound's Philosophy 