I like Small Humans. Unlike some (fluffy) dogs I have met I will not joke that I would not eat a whole one at once, it goes against my instincts. I would not even eat Caspar (although light chewing is acceptable). I have the instincts of a Rescue Dog. Today […]
The Owner and I both, it seems, like cheese. How should I look at this? Should I (a) take the narrow survival-of-the-fittest view that velociraptors epitomise, the view that life is a competition for cheese in which I am pitted against the Owner and may, ultimately, have to choose between […]
Usual trip to coffee shop with owner this morning. Met Caspar, who was looking impossibly fluffy. The Owner petted him. AGAIN. So much for monogamy. Attempted to eat him under guise of puppy play. We’ll see who’s cute when she gets dog hairs in her cappuccino. The Owner retrieves me […]
Humans are deeply illogical. In my park, the one where I walk every day for my allotted exercise (some terrible fascist Owner formula decrees that I cannot pull her around the part for more than 15 minutes twice a day lest she wear out) there is a certain illogic. There […]
The Owner was extremely excitable this morning. Had no idea why until had unwanted visit to vet who suggested my nails needed trimming and sold her a nail file. If the dog god had meant nails to be trimmed dogs would be born with their own nail files. Clearly the […]
Sometimes I want to run up the stairs. Sometimes I don’t. When I want to my legs work. When I don’t want to they simply don’t work. It’s no good waving treats at me. They simply don’t work. Although when there is cheese they can sometimes recover.
Woman claims I am anyone’s for a biscuit. This is unjust. I require at least cheese. Although if I saw a biscuit I might reconsider.
Charles Darwin suggested that all animals are shaped by the need to compete with other species in order to find an ecological niche in which they can succeed. Kind of like a chair, which you shape exactly to fit. It’s an odd idea, since it suggests I fit exactly the […]
Today I realised the Owner is a magician. Watched her really carefully when she threw the ball. Did not take eyes off her. It disappeared. It was no longer in her hand. I did not see where it went at all. I suspect it passed from the realms of reality […]
This morning owner petted strange dog. Caspar, he was called. I suppose he’s pretty, if you like the type. Very fluffy. Very cute. Faithless. She even seemed to know him. Clearly has fondled other dogs before. My eyes are open. I should have seen the signs. I behave honourably, and […]
‘Did I hear things, or can that little dog speak?’ said Dibbler.He says he can’t,’ said Victor.Dibbler hesitated. The excitement was unhinging him a little. ‘Well,’ he said, ‘I suppose he should know.’ I wish that I had met Terry Pratchett. Clearly he knew a lot about dogs.
Visited butcher today with Woman. What a man. Gave woman pieces of fresh sheep in bag. Woman gave one of them to me. Realised true nature of self at last. Canids may have evolved to make poodles but we are all still canids. I am Dog, but beneath I am […]
The world was not always as it is today, so manicured and tidy, with bags for poo and packets for cheese and Owners who needs to be taken around on leads to stop them from running in the road. Once the world was new and savage, a place of trees […]
Many things squeak. In a complex universe a dog could be forgiven for thinking a squeak is one of those things you can rely on. I have learned, for example, that a piece of dead ox will always be chewy, that a carefully placed poo will always thrill the woman […]
There is, I am ashamed to say, a weakness at the heart of dog. I realised it slowly, and too late. The Woman, you see, takes particular delight in my placing my bottom on the ground. To begin with I was reluctant. I mean, frankly, I couldn’t see the sense […]