It had hundreds of legs, I say, and it ran really fast, and it had huge fangs, and it hissed and gloated. And then it tried to jump on me. We can’t go back in there. Hm, says the Owner, is it stuck in the bath? It might have been […]
It is a very large octopus, I tell the owner. We have to take it seriously. It could swallow us all. The Owner says it was only a dream. That’s all very well for you to say, I tell her, but how do you know? You weren’t there. The octopus […]
The Owner left me in Day Care whilst she went to an Art Gallery. What does she think I am, a Philistine? The Owner says she is very sorry, but the art gallery does not admit dogs. I ask why not? Do they imagine that the Moral Dog is so […]
The Owner says that next month we are going to be travelling on an aeroplane. She has booked me a seat of my own. She says this will be very exciting. Are you looking forward to it, Hergest? She asks. I say I am looking forward to being very excited […]
I can tell that the Owner has been reading Sartre. She is looking rather gloomy, in a deeply philosophical manner, and she says life is inherently absurd. Then she squeaks Squeaky Cat rather despondently and asks me what I think. I say Squeaky Cat is absolute proof of the existence […]
This morning the Owner does not purchase a cheese scone from the cafe. Instead, bizarrely, she appears to be eating mango from a pot. There seems to be a scone-shaped hole in this cafe where the scone ought to be. It is gnawing at me. The Owner says she fancied […]
The Owner says that when it is time to go home then the Moral Dog would go home. He would not sidle round the side of the tennis court and pretend to be deaf. I say I am not pretending to be deaf I am simply postponing my response. She […]
The Owner goes into the bakery and she ties me to a Dog Device on the wall outside. Shackles me. Like a common criminal. She used to carry me in there. Long ago, when dignity still mattered. I cannot believe it. Is that any way to treat the Moral Dog? […]
Caspar and I are trying to pull Houdini out of the gap beneath the bridge over the ducks. It is not going well because Houdini has a stick and he will not let it go. Bercow, who likes telling people what to do far more than he likes doing it, […]
The Owner is doing an Online Survey for people with pets. The Owner has a pet, apparently. One she is very fond of. I have looked everywhere for it. It’s nowhere to be seen. She never told me she had a pet. I am not even sure I would have […]
I am really worried about Squeaky Cat, I tell Caspar. The Owner left him out in a Hurricane and now he looks all despondent. Caspar says what do you mean, despondent? I say well, he’s gone a funny colour and he smells funny. Caspar asks what kind of funny colour. […]
The Owner and I are improving ourselves through yoga. (She suggested she could improve herself through yoga all by herself but I can work the doorknob now.) She turns on the TV lady and the class begins. The TV lady says first we are going to do Downward Dog. Excellent, […]
I used to think that fluff, as a quality, was of little practical use. Now I am not so sure. Today in the Park as Caspar and I creep through the undergrowth we come suddenly upon tribe of Small Humans, lined up in the jungle, feasting on cheese. We race […]
The Owner has a terrible habit of pulling backwards as we walk along. I have been trying to correct her, straining to help her along as she leans back and endlessly complains at her inability to keep up. This morning she says that if I don’t stop pulling her cheese […]
The Owner says I shouldn’t have eaten it. I’m inclined to agree. It didn’t taste of much and, to make it worse, she says I may have caused a typhoon in Texas. I am familiar with chaos theory, the idea that extremely small changes in nonlinear systems can produce enormous […]
Hergest, a Hound's Philosophy 