The Owner and I are improving ourselves through yoga. (She suggested she could improve herself through yoga all by herself but I can work the doorknob now.) She turns on the TV lady and the class begins.

The TV lady says first we are going to do Downward Dog.

Excellent, I say. Right up my street. The Owner turns onto her front like a giant sausage roll. I am already correctly oriented. We are prepared.

Onto hands and feet, says the TV lady, and soon Downward Dog will start to feel so good that it will rejuvenate your entire body. This posture energises the nervous system, improves the memory and relieves stress, indigestion, back pain, flat feet, and all the symptoms of menopause. 

I realise I am doing it already. I can feel my menopause improving dramatically.

The Owner rises onto her hands and knees. There are sounds of clicking from the various bits where she is joined together. Then she sticks her bottom in the air. That’s it, she says.

I say from my improved-menopause position that I am not quite sure that that’s what the Lady means about the bottom…

Be quiet, Hergest, she says, you are not improving my stress or indigestion. Silence follows. She is breathing like Houdini when he has been pulled out of a foxhole.

The TV yoga lady says that when done correctly, Downward Dog can greatly benefit the whole body and calm the mind. The benefits will extend to all areas of your life. Lengthen the spine, she says. Feel the stretch. Find the inner serenity.

Both of the Owner’s elbows click. I get a sense that if she did not have flat feet before, she does now. Ouch, she says.

Are you sure you should rotate your thighs like that? I ask her. I mean, you’re not really doing it like a dog.

She glares at me. That is because I am not a dog, she says.

I suggest that she is actually doing Downward Person. This may be why I am not getting any sense of her inner serenity.

She says telling her is not improving matters. She suggests I leave her to do Downward Person and she will leave me to do Downward Dog.

Now push the bottom further back, says the Lady. Push those hands into the carpet. Then sink into it and hold for five minutes. Relax your face and smile gently. Think Beautiful Thoughts.

The Owners knees click in synchrony. Slowly she topples sideways onto the carpet and remains there like a winded ladybird. I get the sense that her Thoughts are not particularly Beautiful. It strikes me that she is now doing an excellent Sideways Dog but I suspect that now is not the time to say so.

The Moral Dog. Knows when silence is best.

Categories: dog dog philosophy philosophy yoga

Hergest the Hound

I am a dog of many thoughts.