What are you Watching? I ask, from my Cushion on the Floor.
I am watching a Video, says the Owner.
Should you not be Hoovering? I ask, Stretching and Making myself more Comfortable
Really? Says the Owner, somewhat Icily.
Do not Be Like That About It, I say. If you do not Hoover, who will? I say. There are Bits on the Floor, I say. And could you pass me my Water, I say. Since you are Over There, I say. I have Just got Comfortable, I say.
Of course, says the Owner. Do not Disturb yourself, says the Owner. The Moral Dog must Relax, says the Owner. He must not be Troubled, says the Owner.
Thankyou, I say. You seem a little Stressed, I say from my Cushion on the Floor. Perhaps if you stopped watching that Video and Got your Housework Done you would Feel Better, I say. I can Recommend Lying on a Cushion on the Floor, I say. Once you have Finished, I say.
I am watching a programme about a Bear, says the Owner. Do not Trouble Yourself, says the Owner.
I wasn’t troubling Myself, I say. Although There is a bit of Dust over here, I say. I wondered when you might be Planning to Get to It, I say.
It is about a Bear, says the Owner, who has lived in a House for 23 years.
Seriously? I say. That must be Rather Messy, I say. Speaking of Which, I say, my Cushion needs a little Plumping, I say. When you Have a Moment, I say.
Actually, says the Owner, this Bear helps his Owner with the Housework.
Oh, I say. An Icy Finger creeps down the Moral Dog’s Spine. He gets the feeling now is not the time to mention the Smudge on the Glass which the Owner has so far Failed to Clean Off. It is Strangely like the Shape of a Large Dog Tongue.
Indeed, says the Owner. I believe he is Extremely Useful.
You would not want a Bear, I say. They are very Big. I can see now that there is Slobber around the Dog Tongue Mark and I wonder if it Relates to the Gloating Look the Moral Dog attempted to give the Moral Fox Earlier. They Take Up a Great Deal of Space, I say. The Moral Dog would not want to Move his Cushion, I say.
Indeed, says the Owner, I suppose we are Pressed for Space, says the Owner. There being Three of Us, says the Owner.
It Occurs to the Moral Dog that he is Occupying Some of the Space. You would not Want a Bear, I say, making myself a little Smaller. They are Very Scratchy, I say. Imagine how Scratched you would Get, I say.
Indeed, says the Owner. I might get Scratched Legs, says the Owner. On the Bits of my Legs that are not yet Scratched, says the Owner.
It Occurs to the Moral Dog that the Owner’s legs are Looking a Bit Scratched since the Moral Dog made the Perfectly Understandable Assumption that Squeaky Cockroach was Up her Jumper and tried to Go After Him. Repeatedly. You would not Want a Bear, I say, They would eat all the Lollies.
Indeed, says the Owner. If we had any Lollies the Bear might Eat Them.
It Occurs to the Moral Dog that he may have Eaten all the Lollies owing to Having Accidentally Opened the Freezer this Morning with the aid of the Plumber who seemed Convinced that Houdini was In There despite the Moral Dog not Technically having Said That.
You would not Want a Bear, I say. It is not very Huggy.
Indeed, says the Owner. It is Extremely Huggy.
The Moral Dog sneaks a look at the Bear. It is Hugging its Owner. It occurs to the Moral Dog that the words Bear and Hug are often used Together in a Manner Implying Desirability. The Moral Dog wonders whether he should Hug the Owner but has a Dim Recollection that he may have Wallowed in the Pond and might not be Entirely Pristine.
What is the Moral Dog doing? Says the Man when he comes up the Stairs.
I believe He is Hoovering, says the Owner.
I can see that, says the Man.
Then why did you Ask? Asks the Owner.
Because you said you were going to get a Bear to Help with the Housework, says the Man.
I did, says the Owner.
Oh I see, says the Man. Very Good, says the Man.
What? I say.
Nothing, says the Owner.
Hergest the Hound
I am a dog of many thoughts.