What is that? I ask the Owner.

It is a Pill, says the Owner.

You will never Swallow That, I say. Not even an Elephant would swallow That, I say.

It is meant to be Chewed, says the Owner.

Hahahahaha, I say.

Seriously, says the Owner.

Good luck with that, I say. The Elephant will Laugh so loudly the Vibrations will be felt in Stoke, I say.

Actually…., says the Owner.

You cannot be Serious, I say. You cannot expect the Moral Dog to Eat That, I say. There are Rules against Torturing your Dog, I say.

It is designed for Dogs, says the Owner.

By People, I say. Mad Scientists, Probably, I say. In some Lab Somewhere, I say.

It is Not Dangerous, says the Owner. It has been tested on Dogs, says the Owner.

Oh Good God, I say, How could you, I say. Tested on Dogs, I say. I have only now realised I am living with Cruella De Ville, I say. I expect you also have a Coat made of Poodles, I say.

The Vet says it is Tasty, says the Owner.

You eat it then, I say. With the Vet, I say. You could wear your Poodle Coat, I say. You Monster, I say.

It is supposed to taste of Ox, says the Owner. It is designed to appeal to the Moral Dog, says the Owner. Yum, says the Owner.

If it was Designed to appeal to the Moral Dog, I say, it would look like an Ice Lolly, I say. Instead, I say, it looks like a Vet Conspiracy, I say. I do not know how you Live with Yourself, I say. Have you heard of Animal Rights? I say.

Perhaps I will hide it in the Moral Dog’s Food, says the Owner.

That would be the kind of Unethical behaviour I would expect of Cruella de Ville, I say. You are supposed to believe in Consent, I say.

I believe in Informed Consent, says the Owner. The Tablet is Good for the Moral Dog, says the Owner.

Oppression is not good for the Moral Dog, I say. I think Dogline would have something to say about a torturing Mad Scientist Cruella de Villa having Dinner with the Vet whilst wearing Poodles, I say.

Fine, says the Owner. But the Moral Dog is not Informed, says the Owner.

There is Nothing the Owner could inform the Moral Dog about that would Change his Mind, I say. It is a Matter of Principle, I say. Cruella, I say.

Very well, says the Owner. I will not mention the Worms, says the Owner.

What Worms? I say.

Nothing, says the Owner. I would not want to Oppress the Moral Dog, says the Owner.

Seriously, I say. What Worms, I say.

The Worms the Pill would have Prevented, says the Owner, were I to have Imposed my Evil Will upon the Moral Dog, says the Owner. but do not worry, says the Owner. An Owner with a Coat made of Poodles deserves such Opprobrium, says the Owner. A Torturer, says the Owner.

I have never seen any Worms, I say.

You would not see the Worms, says the Owner. That is because they Creep up on the Moral Dog when he is Not Looking, says the Owner. Whilst he is enjoying his Freedom from his Oppressive Owner, says the Owner. And her Coat, says the Owner.

What do they do? I ask.

They tickle, says the Owner.

The Moral Dog may have Slightly Misjudged the Situation, I say.

I am sure you have not, says the Owner, given such Oppression, says the Owner.

Give me the Tablet, I say.

I may be too busy Oppressing to Find it again now, says the Owner.

I can feel a Tickle, I say. Time is of the essence, I say.

I am too busy Brushing my Coat made of Poodles, says the Owner.

Now you are being Silly, I say.

I am exhausted by all the Torture, says the Owner.

I accept that I may have Slightly Overstated the Position, I say. give me the Tablet, I say.

Do you Take it All Back, says the Owner.

Yes, I say. Give me the Tablet, I say. I take it all Back, I say. There is No Time to Lose, I say.

I think I require more Grovelling, says the Owner.

Thank you, I say. From myself and all Hundred and One of the Dalmatians, I say. Who misjudged you so badly, I say. I blame Disney, I say. Yum, I say. Excellent Ox Flavour, I say. Can I have Another One, I say. Just in case, I say.

Are you sure? Says the Owner. I thought it was a Matter of Freedom, says the Owner.

It was, of course, but Freedom is Irrelevant in the face of Worms.

Categories: dignity dog dog philosophy

Hergest the Hound

I am a dog of many thoughts.