Caspar is sad. I find him in the coffee shop sitting in the corner, attached to the Wall by a Gordian Knot. He tells me his Owner has Gone Away and he is being Walked by a Stranger. Is the Stranger nice? I ask. The Stranger is lovely, says Caspar, […]
The Owner and I are watching Politics and she is scowling at the Prime Mnister. They are all suggesting that we can Have Our Cake And Eat It, she says. It makes me really cross. I say I had not realise that the election was about Cake. Everything, says the […]
The Owner stomps into the kitchen ahead of me and turns on the news. I thought you were a Moral Dog, she says. The Prime Minister appears on her screen and she adds, at least he never pretends to be Moral. I do not pretend, I say, I am a […]
I have a new coat. It is bright red and makes me look like a tomato. This is not dignity. What am I to tell the Owner? She is so proud of it. Lucifer offers to chew it to shreds, if I feed it in through his nose cage, but […]
I watch a documentary about Martians with the Owner. The Martians are not only extremely unfriendly, it does not Go Well for the Dog. I tell the Owner I am going to hide under the bed until the Martians have gone. You will be under there for a long time, […]
Look Hergest, says the Owner. It is a Swan. Isn’t it beautiful? It’s coming to say hello. The Owner is clearly insane. It is not beautiful. It is not coming to say hello either. It is coming to say something but it is most definitely not hello. I am glad […]
There is a sound in the Park, the sound you hear when Angry Humans are finding fault with Amoral Dogs. Caspar and I divert from the path to skulk in the bushes, as experience has shown that, occasionally, blame for such disturbances is misattributed to Moral Dogs. A number of […]
There is a small fluffy mewing thing in the Vet’s waiting room. It is the sweetest thing that I have ever seen. Apparently it is a Mabel. When I sniff at it it curls up and stares at me with limpid eyes, and I feel an urge to lay both […]
The Owner has introduced me to two dogs called Vindaloo and Korma. They were not what I was expecting when I was told I was to spend an evening with Vindaloo and Korma. To be honest, I was expecting something rather more nutritious. I have to say, though, they are […]
I am in the kitchen when I see it watching me. It is hunched in the tree, still and dark and implacable. It is very menacing. Come out from under the table Hergest, says the Owner. We need to go out. I cannot, I say, a pigeon is menacing me. […]
She says I am growing, but how am I to know that she is not, in fact, shrinking? She says if I am not growing but she is shrinking then everything else must be shrinking, even Caspar. I say has she even read Alice in Wonderland? Sometimes the Owner is […]
I have been banned. It is a Dog ASBO. I am no longer allowed in the nature reserve by the pond. It’s not just you, Hergest, says the Owner. They have banned all dogs from the Nature Reserve. I say, I know it is me. It isn’t you, she says […]
I arrive home from dog day care after an exhausting set of activities, only to have the Owner open the fridge and declare in tones of sorrow which, I must say, sound slightly unsurprised, that we are fully out of cheese. How can we be fully out of cheese, I […]
The Owner has told me not to drink from the pond. She says there are lots of things floating in it that I should not swallow, and not all of them are ducks. The Owner is occasionally wise about many things. I have, for example, still not worked out where […]
Caspar has raised a Matter of Some Concern. It should have been obvious to me long ago, but I suppose I just took it for granted. Humans are Humans, and one does not imagine them having needs, but of course they must eat, they must sleep, they must groom… The […]
Hergest, a Hound's Philosophy 