How do I become Prime Minister? I ask the Owner.
I think you acquire a Tousled Appearance, father lots of children, learn to speak Ancient Greek and make a Large Number of Culturally Inappropriate Jokes using words of at least Four Syllables, says the Owner.
I was being Serious, I say.
So was I, says the Owner. You have No Chance, says the Owner.
I clearly cannot acquire a Tousled Appearance, I say, but I am unclear why this should be one of the qualities that Designates one a Potential Prime Minister.
Me too, says the Owner.
I suppose I could set my sights a Little Lower, I say. I could join the Cabinet, I say.
What as? Asks the Owner.
Minister for Dogs, I say. Obviously, I say. It is my Area of Expertise, I say. I could dabble in Cats, I say. Although it might be difficult to be Objective and Fair if they were In Dispute with Dogs, I say. Given that they are Inherently Unreasonable, I say. Although I would not want to include Ducks in my Portfolio, I say. That would be Going Too Far, I say.
You have no Chance of Joining the Cabinet, says the Owner. You do not seem to have any of the Necessary Qualities, says the Owner.
It seems to me that I have All the Necessary Qualities, I say. I would be an Independent Voice for the Welfare of Dogs at the Cabinet Table, I say. I am already Fully Briefed on All Matters of Concern from the Proper Standards for Ball Maintenance to the Regulation of Ducks, I say. There is little that Affects Dogs that I do not Know About, I say. Owing to my long history of Being a member of the Dog Community fully immersed in Dogness, I say. I would be an Excellent Minister for Dogs, I say. Note that I do not claim that one has to be a Dog for such a Role, I say. A Cat could do it, I say. Although I do feel that Ducks should be excluded on Principle, I say. One cannot rely on Ducks to show Independent thinking where Dogs are concerned, I say. They all fly off the Handle together, I say. Not that I am Duckist, I say. I have even been known to Tweet, I say.
You have No Chance, says the Owner. Whilst the Moral Dog can plainly make the kind of Pointless Waffling Statements that could see him Elected to Parliament on a surge of New Dog Votes, once there he would find that the necessary qualification for Cabinet Membership is not Excellence, being Fully Briefed on the Welfare of Dogs or being Fully Knowledgeable on matters Crucial to Dogness, says the Owner. It is certainly not Standing up as an Independent Voice for the Best Interests of Dogs, says the Owner. Neither would being Duckist necessarily be a Disqualification given that being a Duck is not a Protected Characteristic under current Equality Legislation, says the Owner.
But surely the Minister for Health has many years of Inside Experience and Understanding of the Health Service and Fights Tirelessly to maintain the ideals of Aneurin Bevan, I say. Surely the Chancellor of the Exchequer is Excellent at Running an Independent Treasury Devoid of the influence of Downing Street, I say. Surely the Home Secretary is a Famous Advocate against Alcohol who never actually said ‘once they enter the workplace, the British are among the worst idlers in the world’, and who has never been accused of Bullying or Harassment? I say. Did not the Financial Times famously say that Good Government depends on senior ministers being able to Fight Bad Ideas? I say.
No, says the Owner, and no, and no. And Yes.
Then what is the necessary Qualification for Cabinet Membership? I ask.
As far as One Can Tell, says the Owner, it is being Prepared to abandon All Morals and replace them with Unquestioning Loyalty in Return for Occasional Rewards. Does the Moral Dog feel that he could abandon All Morals in Return for Occasional Rewards? Asks the Owner.
I might be Negotiable, I say. Are we Talking Cheese? I ask.
I think you may be In with a Chance after all, says the Owner.
Hergest the Hound
I am a dog of many thoughts.