Hergest, says the Owner, we are Trying a New Treatment for the Good of Science. We must give Feedback to the Vet on Whether it is Satisfactory.

A new Treatment? I say. Animal Experimentation? I say. What will happen if it is not Satisfactory? I say. Will I grow an Extra Head, perhaps? Or spare Ears? I cannot believe the Owner is planning to Subject the Moral Dog to some Hideous Orwellian Nightmare in the Name of Science.

No, says the Owner, it is to Prevent Worms.

Worms? I say. What do you mean, Worms?

Worms, says the Owner. Dogs get them. Dogs have been getting them since time immemorial.

We most certainly have not, I say with dignity. I am a Pedigree Hound, not some Riff Raff Ancestral Wolf, I say with Even More Dignity. Or it would have been Even More Dignity were such a thing Possible, given the Level of Dignity the First Time.

Dogs do get them, says the Owner, from Eating the Unspeakable in the Park.

I do not believe it, I say. What kind of worms? I say.

Wriggly worms, says the Owner, that wriggle and tiggle inside the Moral Dog, says the Owner. Feasting, says the Owner.

Oh Good Lord, I say, this sounds like some sort of Apocalytpic Nightmare. Am I being consumed from the inside? Is Sigourney Weaver coming to Save Me?

No, says the owner, we do not need Sigourney Weaver. I am simply going to Administer a Prophylactic.

Don’t be disgusting, I say, we don’t use words like that in here.

Yes we do, says the Owner, because we are a Doctor, and you are Making a Fuss. There is Nothing to be Scared Of. We are going to give you a Prophylactic to prevent you getting any Worms. So you will not be Consumed from the Inside. It was the Vet’s Idea.

I am not Scared, I say, but I have heard some of the Vets Other Ideas, I say, and so have my Parts. As a result they Visibly Shrivel when I enter the Vets.

That is Too Much Information, says the Owner. You are Making Irrelevant Excuses. Let us Administer the Prophylactic then we can Go to the Park. It is a Noble thing to try Something New.

You must think I was Born Yesterday, I say. You cannot persuade me to undergo some Hideous Vet Experiment just for a Walk in the Park. You cannot Experiment on the Moral Dog. Such Animal Experimentation is Ethically Incompatible with the Nuremberg Code. I would Rather have the Worms. As I say this I realise I can feel them Wriggling.

Really? Asked the Owner. Even though they are Very wriggly?

Even then, I say, but my Voice wobbles slightly and it seems to me that I can feel the worms Wriggling more Violently. The consuming may be about to Begin, but the Moral Dog should not be Experimented Upon with some Dreadful Orwellian Contraption designed to Oppress the Moral Dog, not even for the Good of Science.

Did I mention that the Prophylactic is Wrapped in Cheese? Asks the Owner.

What? I say. Cheese? I say.

Yes, says the Owner. That is the Experimental Part.

You mean I eat the Cheese with the Prophylactic? I ask.

Yes, says the Owner, of course you Eat the Prophylactic. Did you imagine it was some Dreadful Orwellian Contraption designed to Oppress the Moral Dog? The Prophylactic is a Regular Prophylactic which has been Highly Tested on Willing Moral Dogs in Full Compliance with the Nuremberg Code. The Experimental Element is that the Prophylactic is Wrapped in Cheese, says the Owner. That is the Part that is New.

The Moral Dog feels that Some kinds of Animal Experimentation are Highly Necessary for the Good of Science, although he does not Say So as he is busy Participating in a Controlled Trial.

Goodness me, you Swallowed that Fast, says the Owner. You should now be Free of Worms. Let us just hope you do not grow an Extra Head or Ears.

I think the Owner may be Mocking me but I bear it Nobly. The Moral Dog. Willing to be Experimented On within Reason for the Good of Science.

Categories: dignity dog dog philosophy worms

Hergest the Hound

I am a dog of many thoughts.