Yesterday, I say to the Owner, you said I was the Best Dog Ever.

Yesterday, says the Owner, you did not emerge from the Pond to Greet a Passing Vicar.

How was I to know he was a Vicar? I demand.

He was wearing a Dog Collar, says the Owner.

I hope my mouth to suggest that in Dog Circles the Wearing of a Dog Collar suggests a certain Affinity for Ponds but I spot the Look in the Owner’s Eye Just in Time. To be fair to her I did realise that the Vicar was Not a Dog.

I was imitating Mr Darcy, I say.

Mr Darcy did not Embrace Elizabeth Bennett whilst Covered in Slime, says the Owner. He waited until After he had Had a Shower.

That was not shown in the Film, I say.

It was implicit, says the Owner, in the Fact that when the Embrace took place he was No Longer Green.

I don’t see how I can be the Best Dog Ever one day and a Bad Dog the next, I say.

You seem to Manage It, says the Owner.

That is Not What I Meant, I say.

I know What You Meant, says the Owner, but even the Best Dog Ever can be a Bad Dog. Being the Best Dog Ever is an overarching and cumulative assessment of Lifetime Moral Achievements of the Moral Dog by a Loving Owner. Being a Bad Dog is the Direct Result of Sliming a Vicar.

So being a Bad Dog is a Narrow and Subjective assessment of a Single Moment of Enthusiasm by a Not Quite So Loving Owner, I say, which may not stand Objective Assessment in, say, the European Court of the Rights of Moral Dogs in Strasbourg.

That Might Be The Case, says the Owner, if there Was One.

There should be one, I say, to enable Moral Dogs to fight Injustice and Oppression by Owners with Morally Irrelevant Views on Slime.

Perhaps you should Suggest It, says the Owner.

I am amazed to have Got Away with That One, I say.

You haven’t Got Away with That One, says the Owner. I have Just Added it to the Tally.

What does that mean? I ask. Am I to be further deprived of the Cheese which I am already denied for my Own Good because the Vet says it is Upsetting my Delicate Digestion?

No, says the Owner, I am adding the Moral Dog’s Harsh Condemnation of his Owner to the Tally of Events which Contribute to the Overarching and Cumulative Assessment through which I continue to Recalculate, on a Daily Basis, whether the Moral Dog is Still the Best Dog Ever.

So my Best Dog Ever Status is under Permanent Review? I ask.

That is the Nature of the Best Dog Ever Status, says the Owner. The Competition is Intense.

The Moral Dog will be Composing a Letter to Strasbourg shortly.

Categories: dignity dog dog philosophy

Hergest the Hound

I am a dog of many thoughts.