The Moral Dog smells Disgusting, says the Owner. Thank you, I say. It was not a Compliment, says the Owner. It is in Dog, I say. The Moral Dog Thrills to his Very Tail at being called Disgusting, I say. It represents the Pinnacle of his Morning’s Achievement, I say. […]
Where is mine? I ask. You will receive yours, says the Owner, when I have nearly finished mine. That is outrageous, I say. Am I a second class citizen in my own home? Am I demeaned to the status of Servant by my own Butler? I am not your Butler, […]
The Owner says it is very simple. It was not my football. I should have left it alone. I say well, whose football was it then? It belonged, she says to the Small Human who kicked it towards you. He kicked it at me, I said. When the ball comes […]
I watch a documentary about Martians with the Owner. The Martians are not only extremely unfriendly, it does not Go Well for the Dog. I tell the Owner I am going to hide under the bed until the Martians have gone. You will be under there for a long time, […]
Look Hergest, says the Owner. It is a Swan. Isn’t it beautiful? It’s coming to say hello. The Owner is clearly insane. It is not beautiful. It is not coming to say hello either. It is coming to say something but it is most definitely not hello. I am glad […]
I have been banned. It is a Dog ASBO. I am no longer allowed in the nature reserve by the pond. It’s not just you, Hergest, says the Owner. They have banned all dogs from the Nature Reserve. I say, I know it is me. It isn’t you, she says […]
The Owner has told me not to drink from the pond. She says there are lots of things floating in it that I should not swallow, and not all of them are ducks. The Owner is occasionally wise about many things. I have, for example, still not worked out where […]
I used to think that fluff, as a quality, was of little practical use. Now I am not so sure. Today in the Park as Caspar and I creep through the undergrowth we come suddenly upon tribe of Small Humans, lined up in the jungle, feasting on cheese. We race […]