The Owner is doing an Online Survey for people with pets. The Owner has a pet, apparently. One she is very fond of. I have looked everywhere for it. It’s nowhere to be seen. She never told me she had a pet. I am not even sure I would have […]
I am really worried about Squeaky Cat, I tell Caspar. The Owner left him out in a Hurricane and now he looks all despondent. Caspar says what do you mean, despondent? I say well, he’s gone a funny colour and he smells funny. Caspar asks what kind of funny colour. […]
The Owner and I are improving ourselves through yoga. (She suggested she could improve herself through yoga all by herself but I can work the doorknob now.) She turns on the TV lady and the class begins. The TV lady says first we are going to do Downward Dog. Excellent, […]
I used to think that fluff, as a quality, was of little practical use. Now I am not so sure. Today in the Park as Caspar and I creep through the undergrowth we come suddenly upon tribe of Small Humans, lined up in the jungle, feasting on cheese. We race […]
The Owner has a terrible habit of pulling backwards as we walk along. I have been trying to correct her, straining to help her along as she leans back and endlessly complains at her inability to keep up. This morning she says that if I don’t stop pulling her cheese […]
The Owner says I shouldn’t have eaten it. I’m inclined to agree. It didn’t taste of much and, to make it worse, she says I may have caused a typhoon in Texas. I am familiar with chaos theory, the idea that extremely small changes in nonlinear systems can produce enormous […]
The Owner and I are on the bed. She is watching a film about Hannibal, who took a bunch of elephants across the Alps in the Second Punic War in order to invade the Roman Republic. I am simply inhabiting that small part of her living space that is allotted […]
Today the Owner takes me to Dog Day Care again. She says she has to go out to lunch and I am not allowed there. She says she will pick me up at tea time. I express my concern by sitting on the floor when she attempts to lead me […]
As we walk past the cemetery I hear the boys behind us talking. One of the boys says that a ghostly man in a cloak walks these pavements at night, carrying his head under his arm. He says he knows someone who has seen this. I think this sounds most […]
Perhaps I should become a Spy. Today the Owner takes me up Parliament Hill and we watch people sitting on benches, eating cheese sandwiches and reading newspapers. She says most of them are likely to be Spies because this is where Spies come to have their lunch whilst they do […]
I have spotted a pattern in the Owner’s behaviour. An hour or so after we enter the Park, we leave it. Aside from the fact that this is completely illogical (why enter the park, if you intend to leave it?) the Moral Dog is not consulted on the matter of […]
Caspar and I have been practising our eye rolling. You never know when Superdog and his trusty sidekick Fluffy will need to resort to such measures. Lucifer with the nose cage says that when he rolls his eyes at humans they always stop arguing and often also back away, particularly […]
Today, as we head into the park in darkness the Owner slips a new collar round my neck and flicks a switch. I have been turned into an illumination. An orange illumination. The Owner says it’s good to know she will not lose me in the darkness but, frankly, she […]
The Owner says she has been struggling with Nietzsche. I offer to come and bite his ankles next time but she says it’s not that kind of struggle. I say no kind of struggle is too great for the Moral Dog (I am holding Superdog in reserve at this point.). […]
It seems that, like the Moral Dog, the Owner has primeval instincts. When Primeval Man walked the frozen wastes with the Ancestral Dog she had more to face than the Sabre Toothed Cat and the Evil Velociraptor. She also faced the Ancestral Viper. This explains why the Owner is seized […]
Hergest, a Hound's Philosophy 