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June 11th. The Helpful Dog.

Why are you lying on the floor? I ask. Are you ill?

No, says the Owner, it is Exercise. It is part of my Personal Development.

Who in their Right Mind Exercises when lying down? I say. Allow me.

What are you doing? Asks the Owner.

I am Helping, I say. You appear to be straining, I say. One would not want anything to burst, I say. You are not getting any younger, I say.

This is called a Sit Up, says the Owner. It does not Work if the Moral Dog does the Sitting Up for me.

I am simply being Helpful, I say.

Desist at Once, says the Owner, balancing inexplicably on her Head. Sometimes a Person being Helpful is not Helpful at all to One’s Personal Development.

Very well, I say. I will cease to be Helpful, I say. I think perhaps you are Confused, I say. Perhaps your Brain is Addled by Standing on your Head, I say. Allow me to Push you Over, I say.

Argh says the Owner. What was that? Says the Owner.

I was Correcting your Obvious Mistake, I say. You had Put Yourself the Wrong way Up, I say.

Sometimes the Wrong way up is the Right way Up, says the Owner. Sometimes being Corrected is not Correct for One’s Personal Development.

The Moral Dog will cease to attempt to be Correct at Once, I say.

Thank you, says the Owner. She assumes another strange position, this time on her Elbows, and begins to Wobble.

I dive to her Assistance and Offer my Full Support.

What are you doing now? Asks the Owner, trying to Climb out of my Legs..

I am Offering my Full Support by putting you in a Recovery Position, I say.

It does not Aid Recovery when you Surface from Beneath me like a U-Boat, says the Owner. This position is called a Plank and I am attempting to do it for Five Minutes. It is not Improved by your Full Support. The Moral Dog has no idea of the Difficulty of a Five Minute Plank. Sometimes it is Unsupportive to be Supportive. It is Not Supportive of Personal Development.

It seems to the Moral Dog that the Owner does not have much idea of the difficulty of a Five Minute Plank either, since she only managed only Two and a Half with a Lot of Wobbling. The Moral Dog has much to offer since he has been in a series of Five Minute Planks for his Entire Life, I say. However I realise that you need to be allowed to make your Own Mistakes, I say. Even when you are so patently making a Horlicks of it and gasping like a Landed Turbot, I say. The Moral Dog will therefore cease to be Supportive at Once, I say.

The Owner Rolls her eyes then Rolls onto her back. She begins to move her Elbows and Knees and Serious Gasping ensues.

I leap to her Rescue.

Argh, says the Owner. What was that meant to be?

The Moral Dog is attempting to Save you Heroically, I say. You appeared to be Breathing your Last, I say.

I am meant to be Gasping, says the Owner, that is crucial to the Training of the Core. I do not need Saving. And whilst this quantity of Slobber is indeed Heroic, it is Heroic in the Wrong Way. Such Misplaced Heroism can Interfere with One’s Personal Development.

The Moral Dog will Cease to be Heroic at once, I say.

Later we go to the Park and I make Particular Effort to practice Not Being Helpful, Not Being Correct, Not Being Supportive and Not Being Heroic. I head for the Pond, Chase the Park Keeper, Greet Old Friends in Trousers of Various Attractive Shades, Play with the Ball of some very Screamy Children and Help Some People with their Picnic. The Owner is told off by the Lady feeding the Ducks, the Park Keeper, the Ladies with the Children, the Ladies with the Picnic, the Lady with the Pink Trousers and a Policeman. She appears to be doing Lots of Personal Development. I am glad to have been of Such Assistance.

Strangely, she does not seem to Enjoy It. I have no idea why.




Categories: dignity dog dog philosophy

Hergest the Hound

I am a dog of many thoughts.

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