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May 13th. The rules.

So now can we go to the Seaside? I ask.

No, says the Owner.

Not even for Exercise? I ask.

No, says the Owner. If one goes for Exercise the length of the Journey should not be greater than the length of the Exercise.

I am prepared to exercise all day, I say in order to achieve the Necessary Ratio, I say.

You may not exercise all day, says the Owner. Exercise is meant to last about at Hour.

But I thought we could exercise as many times as we like, I say.

You cannot join them together, says the Owner, or they would be One Exercise which is only allowed with one family member from Another Household whilst the others remain on their Bicycles.

We could Man the Beach to defend the coast against French sailors attempting to bring us their virus, I say.

The French do not require quarantine, says the Owner, that is only the Belgians, although possibly only on Wednesdays, apart from those which fall on a Wednesday, and only if they have not got a Bicycle.

It seems to the Moral Dog that the Owner is being a Slippery Eel about the Seaside. Can I go and play with Caspar and Houdini in the Park then? I ask.

You can play with Caspar or Houdini in the Park, says the Owner, but only one of them and only whilst two metres apart. The other must remain Alert.

What for? I ask.

Belgians, perhaps, says the Owner.

What if we went to work in the Park? I ask. Could Caspar and Houdini come to work too?

Only if they were not able to work from home and did not use the Bus, says the Owner. What work did you have in mind?

Dog grooming, I say, and Squirrel Herding.

Dog grooming is not allowed, says the Owner, except in Wales on Thursdays provided you are not from the same Household. Squirrel Herding is permissible only in Scotland on Fridays as long as you do not play the bagpipes and only as long as the Squirrels are in Year 10 or their Parents are Key Workers or cannot work from home.

We could take the Man to the Park and Cut his Hair, I say.

In your Dreams, says the Man.

Hairdressing is not allowed, says the Owner, however Bad things have Got. The Prime Minister is leading by Example and the Man is holding out for a Pigtail.

I heard that, says the Man.

If, I say carefully, One were a Superhero of some kind, could One meet up with One’s Trusty Companions in order to Save the Planet?

Superheroes from the Same Household can meet to discuss saving the Planet as long as they remain on their Bicycles at all time, says the Owner, but if Superheroes from different Households were involved then it may be time for them to test their Superhero Relationship and Move into a suitable Batcave or Similar Facility Together. Otherwise, saving the Planet would only be possible if they could do so whilst playing Tennis and remaining Alert for Belgians, she adds.

I think you have made some of that up, I say.

I might have done, says the Owner.

But I cannot tell which parts are real and which parts are silly, I say.

Indeed, says the Owner.







Categories: dignity dog dog philosophy

Hergest the Hound

I am a dog of many thoughts.

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