The Owner says People do not see what is right in front of their Noses, which is why the Prime Minister is the Prime Minister despite not being Moral At All. This is Illustrated Extremely Well this Morning, when Caspar and I have a Narrow Escape.
We are All watching the Terrifying Dog from behind a Tree Trunk. All its Hairs are standing on end and it is making a kind of growl from the back of its teeth.
Go on, says Lucifer. I dare you. Go and tell it the Rules.
I can’t go, says Houdini, I’ve got a sick note from my Owner.
That’s Rubbish, says Lucifer. You can’t have a sick note for a Chihuahua.
I can, says Houdini. It says I have to avoid Fight or Flight situations because I have too Profound a Tendency to Flight.
He did get to Mill Hill before they caught him last time, I tell Lucifer.
It isn’t even on the Northern Line says Houdini, with some pride. It’s on a Spur North of Finchley.
What about you, Bercow? asks Caspar. I hear you have Written a Book about your Many Defences of Democracy.
I would go, obviously, says Bercow, but I have an Important Engagement Tonight. I am Speaking.
You are always Speaking, says Lucifer, but you do not seem to have Anything to Say. That is just an Excuse.
It is not, says Bercow. I have been Told I must Go Home Looking Tidy. I cannot do my Speaking with a Torn Ear. It requires someone whose Torn Ear would not show, perhaps owing to Fluff.
We all look at Caspar. Lucifer with the Nose Cage, who is big enough to have eaten Six Caspars, Bercow who can shout louder than Donald Trump’s Four Helicopters (even though they are the Biggest Helicopters and the Best Helicopters) and Houdini who can run faster than a Man on an Electric Bicycle going up a Hill with Flappy Trousers (I saw what happened when he caught the Trousers. It was a Disaster). You should go, Caspar, says Lucifer. You are the Oldest and the Wisest.
And the Fluffiest, says Houdini. It is True. Caspar is so Fluffy he makes Fluff look smooth.
And then, Out of Nowhere, I hear myself stepping into the Breach.
I will go, I say. When the Chips are down, the Moral Dog will Step into the Breach.
You cannot go, says Lucifer, You are not Big Enough.
You cannot go, says Bercow, You are not Loud Enough.
You cannot go, says Houdini, You are not Fast Enough.
You cannot go, says Caspar, You are an Idiot.
I must go, I say. It is my Moral Duty. I do not say I am Superdog. I do not need to. Superdog is in my Every Step.
I step out from behind the Log, head held high, and Advance towards the Chihuahua.
Damn it, says Caspar, and I sense him Stepping Out behind me. He is almost knee height and shrinking. Or I am growing? Perhaps One can Never Truly Tell.
Hello, I say. I am Sorry to Trouble You, but this is Our Park and you Cannot Do That on the Roses.
That’s right, says Caspar. And you can get off our Crocuses too, Pedro.
The Chihuahua erupts into a Ball of Fury. The next few moments pass in a blur. There is Screaming in Spanish, something about avocados, there is Swearing, there is Spitting, there is Threatening, there is Danger, there are Bared Teeth. I Brace My Extremities for Impact. This may be the Moment when the Moral Dog and his Chips are Parted…
Moments later I the Chihuahua is being Dragged from the Park.
Phew, I say, that was a Narrow Escape.
It Certainly Was, says Caspar, adjusting his Fluff.
The Others are staring at Caspar and I.
Wow, says Bercow, that was more bare-faced than the Prime Minister.
You were fast, says Houdini, almost as fast as me.
I almost thought, says Lucifer, just for a minute, saw a flash of… no it can’t have been. You cannot be Superdog and his Faithful Sidekick Fluffy, defending the Park against Spanish Invaders. That would be ridiculous.
Of course it would, says Caspar. If Hergest and I were Superdog and his Faithful but Morally Equal Companion, Fluffy, we would hardly reveal ourselves to you all on account of a Chihuahua. That would be ridiculous.
Mind you says Lucifer, he couldn’t actually reach you. His lead wasn’t long enough. There was Never Any Real Danger.
That, of course, is beside the Point. Caspar and I exchange glances but we Say no More.
The Owner is right. People do not see what is right in front of their Noses.
Hergest the Hound
I am a dog of many thoughts.