The Owner says that Licking is not allowed when she is working, owing to Wetness and Bugs.

I say I was saying Hello. Now that Barking and Jumping on the Computer have also been similarly restricted, and the release of Gasses (quite unreasonably) banned, how is the Moral Dog to make his Presence Known if Licking is also on the naughty list?

She says saying Hello in a Less Wet and Buggy Manner would be a good start. And once every Ten Minutes would be enough.

I say that is a Lifetime and by the way I do not have Bugs.

She says maybe I don’t but Fox Poo does and she saw me in the Park with it this morning.

I suggest she is displaying Moral Absolutism, which is the view that there is Only One Moral Way. I suggest that, were she to adopt Meta-Ethical Moral Relativism, which is an Inclusive and Non-Colonial Model, she would know that there are no objective grounds for preferring the Moral Values of one Culture over another. Moral Absolutism, I say, resulted in Countless Harms across the Empire. I suggest that, were she a Dog, the Wetness of the Licking would be a Crucial Element of the Hello, and the Bugs would be rendered irrelevant.

Ah, she says, but she is not a Dog. Only a Normative Moral Relativist, suggesting that all Moral Societies should accept each other’s differing Moral Values, would expect such things to be rendered irrelevant. She says even if one could argue that there are no Universal Moral Principles, one cannot deny that licking is Wet and has Bugs in it that may have experienced a Fox’s Bottom. She says she is not Morally Absolute nor Colonial, just fond of being Dry and Bug-Free.

I am no Normative Moral Relativist I say, shocked, the problem is merely that we have different perspectives on a Fox’s Bottom.

She says there is only one perspective on a Fox’s Bottom and only one of us wants to have it.

I sigh. Could I, then, I ask, place a Moral Chin upon her knee and gaze at her woefully? The Moral Dog must Demonstrate his Presence.

She says she doesn’t know why I bother to ask, given that the Moral Chin is already there and, indeed, is rarely anywhere else.

I say that is an exaggeration. I take occasional breaks for Barking and Jumping on the computer, or at least I did before they were banned.

She says I have already said Hello today, several times, some of them were Muddy, some of them were Wet and All of them had Bugs. She says she needs recovery time.

I say those times were over ten minutes ago. They have Worn Off.

She says it was only one and a half minutes in Human Minutes. Could I not restrict the demonstration of my presence to, perhaps, hourly gestures of obedience and affection such as a Moral Expression and a Noble Stance?

There is silence for a very long time.

I clear my throat.

What is the matter? Asks the Owner.

I have been maintaining my Moral Expression and Noble Stance for seven whole minutes, I say.

One Human Minute, says the Owner.

Seven Moral Dog minutes, I say, and you have not said Hello back.

The Owner sighs. She puts her computer down. She gets onto the floor. Hello, she says, I adore you, my Wonderful Dog. Then she commences one of those bizarre Human Wrestling matches that appears to be a Hello. I am slightly Squashed by the Owner’s Hello. It has absolutely no licking, just that strange lip stuff they do to each other, which she applies only to the top of my head. My chest is rubbed in a positively familiar manner, given that My Bottom is omitted from the greeting entirely, and I do not like the way she is wobbling my legs. I feel she is greeting me more as one might greet a bag of shopping. This is not what a Moral Dog would do.

There, she says. Now that was a Real Hug. And I realise she is rather proud of it.

It seems that if I am to embrace a truly Inclusive and Non-Colonial Model of Meta-Ethical Moral Relativism I will have to put up with this for now. Although perhaps every Ten Minutes is enough.

Categories: dignity dog dog philosophy

Hergest the Hound

I am a dog of many thoughts.