May 18th. The Moral Barking.
It is not fair, I say to the Owner, to call me a Bad Dog because I Barked at the Angry Parent. I am a Dog. It is a Species Norm for me to Bark. A Moral Dog cannot be Good or Bad in such matters, he can only be […]
April 15th. Shafts of Sunlight.
Would you like a Bedtime Biscuit? Asks the Owner. No thank you, I whisper. But you always have a bedtime Biscuit, says the Owner. The recipe was created by the late, great Michel Roux. Are you Skulking? I am not Skulking, I say Extremely Quietly, and my Appreciation of Monsieur […]
December 7th. The Empty Threat.
The Owner says I can only come and lie on the bed to watch the programme about Martians if I promise not to I Wriggle and Grumble and do not allow my Gases to escape. I say I could certainly cut down on the Wriggling and the grumbling but I […]
November 18th. The Owner.
Caspar has raised a Matter of Some Concern. It should have been obvious to me long ago, but I suppose I just took it for granted. Humans are Humans, and one does not imagine them having needs, but of course they must eat, they must sleep, they must groom… The […]
November 9th. Brave Sir Keir.
Caspar and I are trying to pull Houdini out of the gap beneath the bridge over the ducks. It is not going well because Houdini has a stick and he will not let it go. Bercow, who likes telling people what to do far more than he likes doing it, […]
November 8th. The Pet.
The Owner is doing an Online Survey for people with pets. The Owner has a pet, apparently. One she is very fond of. I have looked everywhere for it. It’s nowhere to be seen. She never told me she had a pet. I am not even sure I would have […]
November 7th. The hurricane.
I am really worried about Squeaky Cat, I tell Caspar. The Owner left him out in a Hurricane and now he looks all despondent. Caspar says what do you mean, despondent? I say well, he’s gone a funny colour and he smells funny. Caspar asks what kind of funny colour. […]
November 6th. Downward dog.
The Owner and I are improving ourselves through yoga. (She suggested she could improve herself through yoga all by herself but I can work the doorknob now.) She turns on the TV lady and the class begins. The TV lady says first we are going to do Downward Dog. Excellent, […]
Nov 5th. Skittles and injustice.
I used to think that fluff, as a quality, was of little practical use. Now I am not so sure. Today in the Park as Caspar and I creep through the undergrowth we come suddenly upon tribe of Small Humans, lined up in the jungle, feasting on cheese. We race […]
Nov 4th. Goalposts.
The Owner has a terrible habit of pulling backwards as we walk along. I have been trying to correct her, straining to help her along as she leans back and endlessly complains at her inability to keep up. This morning she says that if I don’t stop pulling her cheese […]
November 2nd. The big half.
The Owner and I are on the bed. She is watching a film about Hannibal, who took a bunch of elephants across the Alps in the Second Punic War in order to invade the Roman Republic. I am simply inhabiting that small part of her living space that is allotted […]
Oct 31st. Halloween.
As we walk past the cemetery I hear the boys behind us talking. One of the boys says that a ghostly man in a cloak walks these pavements at night, carrying his head under his arm. He says he knows someone who has seen this. I think this sounds most […]
Oct 21st. Dignity and recycling.
This morning whilst we were in the Park I found some excellent items scattered beside the rubbish bin. As a Moral Dog, fully aware of the necessity for recycling (because there is no Planet B) I rush forward to Do My Bit. I start on the pizza box. It is […]
Oct 19th. Good Progress.
Today in the cafe the Owner tells Caspar’s Owner that I am making Good Progress. Caspar and I (alias Superdog and his Trust Sidekick, Fluffy) exchange knowing glances. Little Do They Know. Later the Owner and I take shelter from the rain in a cave inside a tree trunk. I […]
Oct 18th. Fox Poo.
During our walk on the Heath today I find some truly excellent Fox Poo. It is ripe, and spreads particularly well. I roll in it enthusiastically, encouraging the Owner to do the same. Instead she tempts me, by deception, into a large puddle and proceeds to throw it all over […]
Hergest, a Hound's Philosophy 