And so, says the Owner, finishing the story, ‘as Tiny Tim observed, God bless Us, Every One!’ She closes the book. It was a good story, I say. I liked the part about the turkey and the games. But I did not like the Ghosts. It would have been better […]
The Owner is lying on the Sofa. She says she has a cough, but it is not clear to me that this means that she needs all of the Sofa. It is positively Unreasonable. Hergest, she says in a faint voice reminiscent of heroines in Jane Austen novels whenever they […]
The Owner has brought me to the Edge of the Sea. And as I walk along the beach it launches its attack. Huge pieces of sea hurl themselves at me, soaking me with salt and spraying me with foam I am outraged. Who does it think it is? It is […]
Last night the Owner and the Man put me in a car and drove me to the End of the World. The Owner says it is an Adventure. Easy for her to say. She wasn’t stuck in the boot for Seven Hours. It is hardly Dignified. Now the Owner and […]
Oh look, the Owner says, the New Scissors have arrived and so I am going to do the Christmas Wrapping. Where are the Old Scissors? I ask. It is the First Rule of Christmas Time, says the Owner, that the Old Scissors always disappear when it is Christmas Time. One […]
I feel sure that the Owner has forgotten my Momentary Lapse of Apparent Loyalty. It was, as she said, not Typical of the Moral Dog. Even Squeaky Cat has forgiven me and he has High Moral Standards. He allowed me to me squeak him repeatedly for nearly ten minutes yesterday, […]
Why can’t Moral Dogs climb trees? I ask the Owner. Because if they could there wouldn’t be any Squirrels, says the Owner. Would that be a Bad Thing? I ask. It would for Squirrels, says the Owner. That might be true if all Dogs could climb trees, I say, as […]
The Owner says that is it for today. I am frogmarched back to the house like a criminal. Later there is a kangaroo court in which I appear to be the kangaroo. Lined up on the kitchen counter are Squeaky Cat, Squeaky Log and The Blanket. They are all looking […]
The Prime Minister is the Prime Minister again, says the Owner. He was elected. I have heard this, I say. Jeremy the Beagle is in the Park singing the Red Flag by himself. How do you feel about this? Asks the Owner. It is a tragedy, I say. The Prime […]
Today I am told to wait in the Bedroom whilst the Owner and the Man put a Tree in the kitchen. This sounds most unwise to me. There is a place for Trees and it is not in the kitchen. Clearly supervision is needed. I say I want to Watch. […]
The Owner says I shouldn’t have eaten the Boots, even though they were pinching. I say I didn’t eat them, I chewed them, which is not the same as eating. If I ate everything I chewed I would by now have swallowed both the sofa and the postman, and that […]
This morning I run around the Park with Caspar, Houdini and a Stick. It is excellent, as following the rain there is Extra Mud. The Owner stands watching, as Caspar and I extract Houdini from several hedges and save a Small Human from ambush by a particularly unpleasant duck. She […]
Bercow says that people are voting today for another Prime Minister. Caspar says isn’t one enough? I say the Owner says that in recent times one has been too many, but they are voting for a new one to Replace Him. Who do you think they will they replace him […]
The Owner says that Licking is not allowed when she is working, owing to Wetness and Bugs. I say I was saying Hello. Now that Barking and Jumping on the Computer have also been similarly restricted, and the release of Gasses (quite unreasonably) banned, how is the Moral Dog to […]
There is a picture of a Dog on the bedroom wall. It has brown ears and a rather smug expression. It is pictured Standing with the Owner and the Man as if it is Owned. It is the Ugliest, Smuggest, most Unpleasant Dog I have ever seen. It does not […]
Hergest, a Hound's Philosophy 