Who made the Dirty Mark on the Sofa? Asks the Man. The Owner and I say nothing. It will not come out, says the Man. I am sure it will, says the Owner, I have Chemicals. It should not be there in the First Place, says the Man. Leave it […]
Come here Hergest, says the Owner, I have something for you. I rush to her Side. I am a Moral Dog. This is what Moral Dogs do. The Pavlovian Conditioning which the Owner once employed, in those Sunny Cheese-filled days of memory, may have once had something to do with […]
The Owner and I are taking our walk in the park when we see the Group. They are standing together, smoking and chatting and things. I glare at them. Why are you pulling that Funny Face? Asks the Owner. It is not funny, I say, it is my Potentially Vicious […]
Would you like a Bedtime Biscuit? Asks the Owner. No thank you, I whisper. But you always have a bedtime Biscuit, says the Owner. The recipe was created by the late, great Michel Roux. Are you Skulking? I am not Skulking, I say Extremely Quietly, and my Appreciation of Monsieur […]
I do not want to walk that way, I say to the Owner. Why not? Asks the Owner, we always walk that way. There is a Telephone Mast there, I say. I heard it might give me Covid virus. A Telephone Mast cannot give you a Virus, says the Owner. […]
Look, says the Owner, how Quiet it is on the Heath. It is not quiet back where we parked, I say. That man was either Playing the Bagpipes or Murdering a Piglet. I am not sure which. That, says the Owner, is the joy of Learning the Bagpipes. But I […]
The Owner has developed an Extremely Peculiar Habit. Her obsession with Collecting the Rear End Offerings of the Moral Dog seem to have extended into Collecting Similar Offerings from Other Dogs. Moreover, she is doing it wearing Blue Plastic Gloves and Strange Round Sunglasses, and carrying a Huge Orange Bag. […]
I did not like the Man on the Park Bench who said I should be on a Lead, I say. You have to be Tolerant, says the Owner, he is Afraid. When you asked him why he thought that, he said it was the Law, I say. He thought that […]
We are walking along in our usual fashion, mine one of Bounding Enthusiasm, the Owner’s one of Landminish Avoidance of Others when we encounter Another Dog with His Human Person. We exchange signals – the type of Signals Moral Dogs have used since Time Immemorial. A wagging tail. A wuff […]
They are confining Cats indoors if their Owners might have Covid, says the Owner. That sounds an excellent plan, I say, and a Just Punishment for Hissing at the Moral Dog. It is not a punishment, says the Owner. It is a precaution, since Cats seem able to pass Covid […]
The Owner says the Man’s Hair needs cutting. Indeed, I am becoming Rather Shaggy, he says. I will do it, says the Owner. In your Dreams, says the Man. You are a Doctor, not a Hairdresser. The Moral Dog could do it, I say, give me the Scissors. I do […]
Tell me again, I say to the Owner. Tigers, says the Owner. At the Bronx Zoo. Four Tigers and three Lions. They appear to have caught it from a Keeper who had Covid. I believe the Tiger had a cough. How can this be? I ask. You suggested that the […]
The Other Dog has my Ball. Do not be a wuss, says the Owner. Go after him. He snatched it from under my nose, I say. He was a Meanie, I say. I know, says the Owner. Go and get it back. Aggression does not come naturally to the Moral […]
I have heard a Terrible Rumour, I say, that people in India are abandoning their Dogs. I am afraid it is true, says the Owner. The fear of Covid is leading people to do these things. But I thought you said that Dogs did not get the Covid? I say. […]
Hergest, says the Owner, stop Howling. It is traditional, I say. I need to communicate with the Brotherhood of Dogs, I say. I Howl again. Can you not just speak to them in the Park? Asks the Owner. You may be attracting Hyaenas. No, I say, because our limited exercise […]
Hergest, a Hound's Philosophy 