I am a dog of many thoughts.
Hello, says the Lady with the Unpleasant Dog. Hello, says the Owner. Then follows an Uncomfortable Pause, as both Owners look at their Dogs. Do Not Look at Me, I tell the Owner. I have Nothing to say to That Dog, I say. One could Wait a Century in Silence […]
That walk was a Great Success, I say. The Absolute Truth of that Assertion depends, says the Owner, on how you Measure Success. You can Measure what you Like, I say, but I Acquired a Delightful Ball from that Other Dog, I say. A Desirable Ball, I say. The Kind […]
Ouchouchouch, I say. Excuse Me, says the Owner of a Poodle, We Are Next. We Wish to Discuss the Removal of Parts. Speak for Yourself, says the Poodle. This is an Emergency. He Ran Through a Bush, says the Owner. Oh Dear, says the Vet. He has a Scratched Eye, […]
The Moral Dog smells Disgusting, says the Owner. Thank you, I say. It was not a Compliment, says the Owner. It is in Dog, I say. The Moral Dog Thrills to his Very Tail at being called Disgusting, I say. It represents the Pinnacle of his Morning’s Achievement, I say. […]
The Owner and I are setting out on our Morning Walk when the Owner produces a Thing from her Pocket. What is That? I ask the Owner. You Do Not Want to Know, says the Owner. Au Contraire, I say, for the Moral Dog is Wise in Matters of Language. […]
I am Wearing a Lampshade. It is for your Own Good, says the Owner. I think I am the Best Judge of That, I say. I can See it is a Little Embarrassing, says the Owner. A little? I say. The Other Dogs will Laugh so Hard they will Roll […]
I am a Friendly Dog, I say. There is a difference, says the Owner, between being a Friendly Dog and being Anybody’s for a Biscuit. The Moral Dog is not Anybody’s for a Biscuit, I say. The Moral Dog is as Discerning as he is Moral. The Moral Dog attempted […]
Is there Something Wrong with my Fridge? I ask. You do not have a Fridge, says the Owner. When we Ordered It you said I would have a Fridge, I say. I said we would have a Fridge, says the Owner. One does not need to be Quite So Specific […]
Stop it, says the Owner. I am trying to Eat my Cheese. Stop what? I say. Fixing your Woeful Eyes on my Cheese, says the Owner. And Drooling, says the Owner. They are my Only Eyes, I say. If we had Spare Eyes then your words might make more sense, […]
The Moral Dog has not Gone to Daycare Today. Outside the Wind is Howling and has little Bits of Ice in it, and the Moral Dogs’ Tomato-Coloured Coat that makes him look like a Pillock is Discarded in the Garage. The Moral Dog plans to Deal With It Later. Now, […]
Happy New Year, says the Owner. What is New About It? I ask. It is 2021, says the Owner. We have said Goodbye to 2020. I am not ready to say Goodbye to it, I say. I always Knew you would Deceive Me in the End, I say. You have […]
I have a Box for you, says the Postman. It is from Spain, says the Postman. I will take it from you, says the Owner. I do not think that you will, says the Postman, heaving the box over the doorstep with the aid of two Other Postmen and a […]
In the Distance there are sounds of Recriminations. We are Going Home, says the Owner. We are always Going Home once we have Come Out, I say Wisely, as I know how much the Owner Appreciates a Wise Dog. Do not Try your Slippery Eel Philosophy with me, says the […]
The Moral Dog feels compelled to return to the Page by the Oddness of his Owner, who is Apparently Too Busy to Go For a Walk. You Cannot be Too Busy, I say. You are Just Sitting There looking at that Plastic Thing, I say. I am Not Just Sitting […]
Where does the Sun Go? I ask the Owner. It does not Go Anywhere, says the Owner. The Earth Turns Round and the Sun is Behind Us. You mean Underneath Us, I say, where the Elephants and the Turtle are, I say. The Moral Dog has been reading Terry Pratchett […]
Hergest, a Hound's Philosophy 