Hello, says the Lady with the Unpleasant Dog.
Hello, says the Owner.
Then follows an Uncomfortable Pause, as both Owners look at their Dogs.
Do Not Look at Me, I tell the Owner. I have Nothing to say to That Dog, I say. One could Wait a Century in Silence before I would be Tempted into So Much as a Sniff of that Dog. It is so Obviously Unpleasant that there is Nothing More to Say, I Say. I then Say No More, making my point Doubly Effective.
Nor, says the Other Dog to its Owner, do I have Anything to say to That Dog. A Century, indeed a Millennium would not be Long Enough. That Other Dog is So Obviously Irritating that there is No Further Debate To Be Had, says the Other Dog, echoing my point Admirably despite its Unpleasantness.
Hergest, says the Owner, you must Be Polite.
You Too, says the Other Owner.
Why Should We? I say. Is it Not Enough that we Fetch the Ball but not the Duck? That we wee on the Bench but Not the Feet? That we Jump on the Postman but Not the Lady in Pink Leggings? That we Tolerate All Manner of Groping without Eating the Vet? Is there No Limit to Our Obligations to the Unreasonable? I say all this Passionately, as any Decent Dog would.
Indeed, says the Other Dog to its Owner. That Irritating Dog Makes several Excellent Points. Even the Most Irritating of Dogs can sometimes, however Inadvertently, Strike Upon the Truth of the Canine Condition. He says all this Loudly, as any Unpleasant Dog would.
This is the Park, says the Owner. In this Park we are Bound to the Norm of Reciprocity, one of the Many Norms than Enables Tolerant Coexistence. Reciprocity is the Idea that we accept the obligation to Give Back what we have been Given. It is the Reason that Greetings Are Exchanged rather than Blows. It Enables Communal Existence. Sort Yourself Out.
Indeed, says the Other Owner, the Norm of Reciprocity is considered a Universal Norm, since All Cultures follow it to some extent. The American psychologist Robert Cialdini saw is as One of the Principles of Persuasion. It Enables Communal Function in the Park, for Persons and their Dogs.
Persuasion? I say. This sounds like a Straightforward attempt to Oppress your Innocent yet Unpleasant Dog into Accepting Yet More of your Human Norms. I say it is Anthropomorphism, I say. I have met Owners like You, I say. Some of them are not Far from Here Right Now. Dogs are Supposed to Wee on Feet. And to Jump on Ladies in Pink Leggings. As to the Vet, she should not Take Anything for Granted. It is the Way of the Ancestral Dog. Since Time Immemorial, or at least since there were feet. And Leggings. I say all this without breathing. I would also Fold my Arms emphatically, but I am a Dog and they Do Not Fold.
I agree with that Remarkably Irritating Dog, says the Other Dog. No Self-Respecting Wolf would Put Up with this Rubbish. Any Minute Now you will be putting Both of Us in Bonnets like the Unfortunate Nana in Peter Pan. Mr Disney Made a Mockery of St Bernards. The Breed has Never Recovered, says the Other Dog, you only have to say ‘Beethoven’ to them and they Hang their Heads in Shame.
I have Also Heard Much of what that Truly Unpleasant Dog Just Told his Owner, I tell the Owner. As for Lassie, I say. I hear there was No Overtime At All on That Set, I say. It makes the treatment of Poor Gollum on Lord of the Rings look Positively Kingly. Dogs are Dogs, I say. Dogs should be permitted to remain Dogs, I say. However Unpleasant they are, I add, with a Meaningful Nod at the Unpleasant Dog.
I Agree Entirely with That Irritating Dog, says the Unpleasant Dog, nodding Meaningfully Back.
Very Well, says the Owner, we shall Go our Separate Ways fully agreeing that, whilst We Humans have Participated in the Norm of Reciprocity by our Shared Morning Greeting, our Dogs have Completely Ignored One Another and indeed Chosen to Differ on Every Matter we Raised.
Indeed, says the Other Owner. I Accept this View Entirely. Come, Colin, let me Uphold your Right to Not Reciprocate.
Come Hergest, says the Owner. I too Recognise that You and Colin share No Common Ground.
Colin and I exchange Triumphant Glances. We Almost Do Not See our Owners High Fiving as they Part.
Categories: Ancestral Dog dog philosophy freedom Moral Dog Reciprocity
Hergest the Hound
I am a dog of many thoughts.
Hergest, a Hound's Philosophy 
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